help, my young sister has a boyfriend!

[WithAllahsPowers]

salam to all.

i have a sister who is 16 years old.

i found out from mum today that she was caught speaking on her mobile late at night about 11pm.

when she confronted her she told her she wasnt speaking to anyone and promised on the quran that that was the truth.

mum took her mobile and gave it to me today. mum told me at 1am in the morning my sister received a message and mum wants me to read it.

i wasnt really happy with what i read but told mum it was just a friend asking if she was awake.

i stuck up for my sister so i can handle the problem because my mum is very ill and is really not upto or fit to handle this problem.

i read my sisters messages and didnt know if it was haram to do but i was concerned and wanted to know who these guys were. she said they were just friends. i read the messages infront of her and went silence.

i could tell my sister was involved with boys / boyfriend and she has a few crushes at the same time and its making her confused and depressed.

when i spoke to her she denied it and said they are made up messeges and there is no boyfriend or boys and doesnt know what im talking about.

HOW DO YOU HANDLE THIS! i dont want her to fall into haram. she keeps saying they are boys and they are all like brothers to her because they are muslim. i told her if they are brothers to you they will not call you 11pm at night.
she said to me 'you dont understand this friendship we have' and cried because no one understands her and she cant trust anyone.

what do i do? if you found this about your little sister what will you do?:tti_sister:

help me please. mum doesnt want her to go to school anymore. and she doesnt want her to work. she fears for her. mum wants her to stay at home to protect her.

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

i dont know how to help my sister, i wish to get some advice. she is young and wears a scarf. i want to protect help her protect herself and not fall for guys like that.

what can i do. im so sad and confused. i love her so much i dont want her to turn out bad. plz help

 

[saifkhan]

salam alaikum

the problem is something like deeper one.
coz the thing has not developed in one day/week.

I must say that we families have problems too, coz our environment is not Islamic at house. and what we need to do what type of environment should be maintained we dont know. some of the effect of society and social systems too. materialistic world has made our life machinelike and we dont give time to families dont maintain family bonds, that why these happen.

this is a prob, that needs to be handled with care, if you know how deep their relation, so you must be so careful, otherwise more bad thing can happen.

give her time, make her understand
it is really weird that in these cases, people do care for the stranger, with whom he/she is in love, but don't care family members.

try look at her every steps, forbid her from haram things(slowly slowly), like movies, musics. try not to provide mobile, this is the most dangerous media of haram now, era of TV has govne to call it devil box!

if you are elder one, make yourself a role-model for her, change yourself, if you are involved in haram things like I mentioned above.

as it is not something developed in one day/week, so it will take time also to be solved, may be more than the time it took to develop.

the stick is under tension, if you press it more, it will break down

may Allah help you, your family to overcome
may Allah protect her, guide her, preserve her.


I dont know whether my suggestion make sense or not, but believe me, to be an elder one is very difficult, may Allah help us to develop our character so that we may become an example for our younger. and Islamic environment is another important thing that should be maintained in home.

and Allah knows the best
wa alaikum salam

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

thanks for your reply.

about the islamic environment, oh that is really well played at my home and my parents which is where my sister lives.

my sister knows she is not allowed to listen to music and she stopped last year and i know she hasnt gone back because my parents will not accept music played or listened to in the house or outdoors.

my sister prays and listens to quran because i taught her so much things and dua.

she knows this is haram but says its just friends. but the messages i read dont confirm this.

its like she has a boyfriend, she likes Ahmed but Ahmed is going out with another girl so she has to stick with her boyfriend and then there is this guy named Deen, but he did something to her so she is not speaking to him and sticking to her boyfriend for comfort.

its hard to explain because i myself am confused.

it isnt a serious relationship if its a circle of 3 boys involved. now thats a mess.

she says she cries everynight because of these feelings. she told this to a friend in a message.

my god, i really am confused. she wont talk and knows she is wrong and is in denial and i spoke to her and told her we were not brought up like this. she wears a scarf, she has to respect it. there is no such thing as boys being just brothers and friends then getting a call from them late at night. when being questioned she lies to her mum and makes an oath on the quran. then says their friends.

she is a very confused teenager. dont know how to get through to her.

like you said, the stick is under tension, if you press it more, it will break down

i dont know what to do. cant sleep because i've helped people before but because she is my sister i dont know how else to help her and dont know the right things to say.

 

[Asja]

Assalamu allaicum wa raahmatullah wa baarkatuhu dear sister

It is good that your sister is living in Islamic enviroment, which can help her to live Islaam how it is Alhamdulilah, because family and upbringing is the most importante for raising children so that one day they can be good Muslims.

Dear sister, you should explain to your younger sister, that Allah subhan wa teala sais in Quraan for belivers to lower thier gazes, for both woman and man, beside that they should wear Islamic cloth.Allah has reword Muslim woman to be like a pearl, protected from her father, brother and after her husband. When Allah Almighty sais like this in Quraan it is way of fard for Muslim belivers,and the way of protecting dignity of woman and man.Allah is not puting burden on ourselves, but He is only protecting our honour and dignity with this ayah, because everything begins with look,and it is much more dangoures to talk with oposite gender does not metter how are our intentions. It is very hard to not talk at all with man, because we go in schools or Universities,but we should try to keep modesty the most we can with help of Allah.

You should say to your sister, although she has good intentions, maybe those boys do not have, niether Shaytan. And that it is always better to keep on the safe side. Instead to have man for friends she should look for pious and practising Muslim sisters with who she will spend her time Inshallah.

May Allah help you dear sister to find the best words to guide her and advice her,and keep your sister safe with Allah. Ameen summa ameen

May Allah bless you

 

[ditta]

As-salaamu'Alaykum,

I can relate to your problem however in my instance the fundamental circumstances were different although the principal was the same (boyfriend/girlfriend).

I have noticed that a problem in these cases is of communication. Often families due to a culture clash will not talk about certain issues because they are sensitive and younger people may think that 'my family will not understand' which means they have no outlet for these feelings.

She is at an age where one's urges are all over the place, you feel nobody understand's you (especially family) and you have no idea what to do.

What this needs is clear communication, someone that commands respect, who can understand what the traditional culture is saying and the young girl (the values and beliefs in society today). (I hope that makes sense). My older brother is this sort of person which I presume is also you and there is more of a 'family' now.

Her intention might be good, that the males she is talking to is reasons for good however the Prophet said:

"A man does not sit alone with a woman except that Satan makes a third."

(At-Tirmidhi, no. 2165 and Ahmad, 1/18).

Now people don't sit alone, they have other efficient methods to communicate.

I don't think there is a complete answer to your situation because each situation is different however this ruling might help.

Question

If a man corresponds with an unrelated woman, and they come to love each other, is this action considered to be forbidden?

Answer

This action is not permissible, because it excites desire between the two, and incites the urge to arrange meetings and telephone calls. Very often, this flirting and correspondence causes trials and tribulations, and implants a love of fornication in the heart, which plunges one into committing acts of unlawful sexual intercourse, or causes them. So we advise those who desire to benefit themselves, to protect themselves against correspondence and telephone calls and the like, in order to preserve one's religion and honour. And Allah is the Granter of success.

Ibn Jibreen (rahimahullaah).

Source: Fatawa Islamiyah, Volume 5, The Book of Marriage, pg. 120-121.

I hope the ruling above is clear however the problem is understanding her feelings and what the Qur'aan and Sunnah say.

Wa-laykum Salaam.

 

[saifkhan]

salam alaikum

alhamdu li Allah, thats good that the environment is Islamic, but may be she is not mature enough to understand the things.

you have to give time,
may be she's influenced by her frnds,

another important thing, may be she is not getting enough attention form family members, so it is quite natural that people turn away to that, where he/she gets attention.

so she needs to know that, Allah is the most attentive to His slave,obedient slave
you got to make her understand, be at her side
make her understand that she is going through test, and she definitely needs to be passed, as a believer. you help her, give her a hug, make her understand from the way of evil, that is shaitan creating!!

like you said: she is burning for her realization, as you said she weeps at night.
make her understand that if it was good, then why she is ggetting pain.

may Allah protect her and preserve her.

I'll keep in dua, insha Allah

salam alaikum

 

[islamdonlyway]

walikumsalam,

this boyfriend/girlfriend is such a porblem even in the muslim community, and as others mentioned its always good to have a islamic environment in the family, and i think parents should keep a tab on what kind of friends they have ! if they have pious friends most likely they will be good, vise versa.

its funny how sisters use the excuse and say ' his my brother' ! LOL, how can he be your brother when you are committing sins together? doesnt make sence.and finally i think its best to sit with her and advise her on how islam doesnt allow this, and what this boyfriend/girlfriend situation can lead to (zina), and also it can lead a person to reduce thinking about allah...so the best thing to do is now advise her in a nice careing way !

may allah make this sister understand...ameen.

 

[Ahsen]

Well,There is nothing like he's my brother.We all know that.You have to talk to your sister like an adult and tell her of the consequences.To tell you the truth,girls can be easily convinced into something.I think she is looking for someone who is willing to talk to her.She needs someone who she can trust.IF you advise her maybe she will ignore your advice.But if you ask her about her problems and show her that you care for her then she might trust you and listen to you.

Also Tv has become a big problem in the islamic society.It is eating our faith like termites.You need to work on your house environment also.Allah knows the best.

 

[helpinghumanity]

Assalamo alaikum brother:

I could deeply understand what you and your family are going through. I would not give you a wrong suggestion by saying that everything will be alright as the time passes by. If you are living in USA then I could say that this will even get worse. It’s just a start….and God know what will happen next. There are so many cases here in USA where our sisters in Islam get involved in Haaram stuff. Unfortunately this is the story of almost every house either religious or non religious.

To be honest with you, there is nothing that you could do after she is 18. So alhamdolillah it’s good that your mom has an eye on her children. It’s good that you guys came to know of this in an earlier age.

The main important thing is to change her company, her friends with whom she hangs out with or talks. Because a man is upon the company on his friends. If she lives in the same place then it would be difficult to control her.
So my first suggestion to you is to temporarily move her to another state or possibly another country. Change of atmosphere is a must.
If that doesn’t work then try your best to get her married. Marriage is one of the best solution under such circumstances.

However ask your mom and dad that they make duaa for your sister. Because there is no obstruction for the duaa that the parents make for their children.

 

[xAllahKnowsBestx]

I agree with brother saifkhan. I guess you could try talking to her about it, being her older sister. It worked for me.

I mean, I went through something very similar a while ago, but I was actually really ignorant of Islam though I was a Muslim. I convinced myself into thinking that no one cares about me, and I should be that typical little emo kid feeling sorry for myself, and thinking I'm useless. One thing that opened my eyes, apart from Islam, was the fact that I had someone to talk to -my older sister.

Talking to her would reaaaally make a difference. I think she's really confused, all she needs is a little bit of sisterly advice. She's too good to cry over a bunch of guys, and she doesn't deserve to feel that way.

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

thanks guys, thanks for all your advice.

my parents always make duas for us all. mum always prayes tahajjud salah and prays for us. she prays fajr with dad and they spend ages making dua. after fajr they cannot find sleep so they spend their time in worshipping Allah.

My sister had problems before, i got her closer to me and she spent ages trusting and telling me things. she still does but i noticed last year she wasnt communicating much. i assumed she knows how to deal with her problems now because i taught her so much. i even made her wear a scarf last year.
but she does not regret it. she is proud of it and happy to wear it.

subhan allah, when something happens, you get lots as to how to deal with it. When you ask people for advice, it helps so much. im going to meet up with her today and inshallah i want to speak to her and so many points i wrote down from posts above that i know are really good ideas to speak to and how to approch her.

on of the important thing is for her to get off facebook or whatever its called and maybe bring her onto here, turntoislam, where she can open up to all of us and confront her sins and we can all give her feedback and advice and increase her trust. that way she knows what the term 'brothers' and 'sisters' really mean and use them with respect.

i will register her today. i will introduce her to you all and hope that you guys can go easy on her and help her for Allahs sakes. i will be here too but i will not tell her who i am because i have personal problems she does not know of that i have discussed before.

i really dont want her to see this thread so she doesnt feel shy or embarressed, so i hope someone can tell me once i get her on here how i can delete this thread so she doesnt see it?

but first, do you guys think its a good idea for her to come on this site and learn and get help?

 

[samiha]

:salam2:

Personally I don't think this site is a bad thing for her. But I would probably recommend having you delete this thread beforehand. I'm sorry I can't answer or reply to what came before but:

where she can open up to all of us and confront her sins

Ukhti, honestly yeh... which one of us does not make mistakes? All of us, but how many of us would like to be dragged into a place just to have our own mistakes and sins pointed out by strangers? By our own sister?

I don't know a bigger breech of trust then to think - had I a bigger sister, that she was discussing my problems with other people and then bringing me in after. You have to realize the effect of that feeling, imagine if you were the one who had done wrong and your elder sibling reacted this way? I just don't see it as being right. Maybe that's just me.

And I certainly would not open up to people knowing their impression of me was a certain way. Loads of people come here for help - but that's after a realization, or seeking it. People find acceptance here, but that's after they're eased into it. I don't think it's the best idea to just forcibly bring her here for this matter.

Allaah knows best. I don't want to oversay something if it is wrong. This is just how I feel.

wasalaam

 

[Abu Talib]

Assalamu`alaykum

'you dont understand this friendship we have' and cried because no one understands her and she cant trust anyone.

In my opinion this emotional state of feeling should be dealt with diplomatically with your sister. She might be thinking you are against it and don't realize the value of friends etc also she must be feeling her friends are the only one who she can share her feelings and they would support her. Make her believe you love her more than them and will support her.

Try to mingle with her ask about her friends(boys) and tell her to make out the difference between the girl friends and the boy friends she has. Make her think about what she is doing is wrong and she is sinning and ask her would she love to make her ill mother more sad by doing all this.

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

Akhi, honestly yeh... which one of us does not make mistakes? All of us, but how many of us would like to be dragged into a place just to have our own mistakes and sins pointed out by strangers? By our own brother?

I don't know a bigger breech of trust then to think - had I a bigger brother, that he was discussing my problems with other people and then bringing me in after. You have to realize the effect of that feeling, imagine if you were the one who had done wrong and your elder sibling reacted this way? I just don't see it as being right. Maybe that's just me.

And I certainly would not open up to people knowing their impression of me was a certain way. Loads of people come here for help - but that's after a realization, or seeking it. People find acceptance here, but that's after they're eased into it. I don't think it's the best idea to just forcibly bring her here for this matter.

/QUOTE]

im a sister. lool.

i agree with you but what i meant when i said

where she can open up to all of us and confront her sins

i dont mean like tell us all her errors and mistakes and all that, i mean like when someone says we should pray 5 times a day on thread she can reply and say i only pray 3 times inshallah i will pray 5. or she can be honest and say i have boy friends that i like communicate with at school what is wrong with this. then people can give her their opinion. just stuff like that. i think i didnt put it properly into sentence.

i know what you mean when you said that it will be hard for her to come on after discussing her problems with other people, but we all make mistakes. most people done this before. we've said what we use to do like i use to not wear scarf and listen to music, we say we use to do haram etc, then we come on here and sometimes its brought up in posts, we are ashamed of it but its pass it already happen, if we are shy and feel bad about it now, then how will we feel like infront of Allah.

But my point is for her to get off facebook and find something better to do. i wont even introduce you guys to her so no one recognises her. i wont even say she came on.

plus, loool, do you think she is ashamed of what she has done? lool, she thinks they are her friends / brothers and nothing is wrong. so im pretty sure she will tell you all herself, my sister, loool, she is very open and really doesnt seem to find anything she does a problem and when she does, she is not shy about it. she regrets it to herself and gets on with her life because i taught her not to eat up herself when she does something wrong, just seek forgiveness and carry on with your life. and do the same next time.

hope i taught her right.

well everyone thinks different, thats how i feel. but i really dont want to bring on her if its not right. you dont feel its right and i dont want to do it because i could be wrong.

thanks brother.

 

[samiha]

:salam2:

im a sister. lool.

Oh boy, second time in years I've done this, my apologies, I'm seriously losing my touch. I blame haste.


I don't know. Personally I feel that unless there's a lesson to be learned or taught, or help that is needed, sins of whatever kind and mistakes of our pasts too should be kept covered, cos where we've no reason to expose them, why should we?

I mean I remind myself of this quote, and it's quite scary when put in context how often we do things, and if we really are treating our sins as appropriate:

‘Abdullah b. Mas’ûd – Allah be pleased with him – said:

The believer sees his sins as if he is sitting at the foot of a mountain fearing that it might fall on him, while the sinner (fâjir) sees his sins as a fly that lands on his nose, he just waves it away.

Al-Bukhârî, Al-Sahîh, The Book of Supplications, Chapter on Tawbah.

It's easy to wave things away, but I don't think we should. From the Sahaabah and the Salaf may Allaah have mercy on them, were people who would lay awake nights and cry for their sins, the sins which are so much less in magnitude than ours. So when we say we're regretful and move on - are we really? I mean seeking forgiveness does not necessitate that you will actually get that forgiveness - not unless it's true and sincere. And how sincere are we all really? I'm not saying it for your sister, but just me. It's a scary thought.

The great ascetic Shaqîq Al-Balakhî – Allâh have mercy on him – was once asked, “What is the mark of [true] repentance?” He replied, “Continued crying over past sins, deep fear of falling into them again, staying away from bad company, and keeping the company of good people.”

Abû Bakr Al-Daynûrî, Al-Mujâlasah wa Jawâhir Al-‘Ilm article 2645.

May Allaah help us all.

But I would agree, TTI is perhaps better than facebook. When I was in a low point at various times I did find solace and support in TTI - along with certain friends I hope to keep forever inshaAllaah.

So it's not that I believe it's wrong - it's just unless it's general, and not specifically for this occurrence, it might not have the same effect? I don't know sis, you being her older sister give it a good think and I hope you come up with the best solution. =)

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

:salam2:



Oh boy, second time in years I've done this, my apologies, I'm seriously losing my touch. I blame haste.


I don't know. Personally I feel that unless there's a lesson to be learned or taught, or help that is needed, sins of whatever kind and mistakes of our pasts too should be kept covered, cos where we've no reason to expose them, why should we?

I mean I remind myself of this quote, and it's quite scary when put in context how often we do things, and if we really are treating our sins as appropriate:



It's easy to wave things away, but I don't think we should. From the Sahaabah and the Salaf may Allaah have mercy on them, were people who would lay awake nights and cry for their sins, the sins which are so much less in magnitude than ours. So when we say we're regretful and move on - are we really? I mean seeking forgiveness does not necessitate that you will actually get that forgiveness - not unless it's true and sincere. And how sincere are we all really? I'm not saying it for your sister, but just me. It's a scary thought.



May Allaah help us all.

But I would agree, TTI is perhaps better than facebook. When I was in a low point at various times I did find solace and support in TTI - along with certain friends I hope to keep forever inshaAllaah.

So it's not that I believe it's wrong - it's just unless it's general, and not specifically for this occurrence, it might not have the same effect? I don't know sis, you being her older sister give it a good think and I hope you come up with the best solution. =)

loool. thats okay for thinking im a brother, i got no problems with it.

i dont understand loool where or why think im trying to tell my sister to come here to expose her sins, loool, i dont know how to explain what i meant, but believe me its nothing about exposing her sins. i've done things wrong and i dont find exposing them to strangers off course i would not make my sister do this. i dont explain my self properly i have a speech problem so forgive me for not being able to explain exactly what i mean.

but i want you to know i would never tell anyone to come here to expose their sins, this site is for general and islamic discussions not councelling lool.

well, im not sure where i read it but i know that when someone makes a mistake / committs a sin, he should repent and not talk about it to anyone and Allah wont expose him in the hereafter.

so whatever we've done, repent seek forgiveness and dont mention it. thats how i taught my sister too. my parents are elders, sick too. i kind of help to bring my sister up. there are 5 siblings in the family, im the 2nd eldest, i have a olders sister who is 2 years older than me, and two other brothers after me then my young sister. but my parents always relied on me to help solve things because i dealt with them without exposure and they trust me.

my young sister therefore knows this and always looks up to me.
like all this, my older sister doesnt know about, neither do my brothers. and if i was to bring my sister here to expose her sins, then why not tell my siblingS? well thats because this is not my intention and i really dont know how to put it into words as to what i mean.

i tell you guys because you guys are strangers, none will judge or talk to our relatives or siblings about, you all live in different countries, its not like we are going to meet one day, loool, so i seeked your help.

thanks for all your replies, it means so much. my sister still hasnt came over, she might come tomorrow, probably give her some space so she can really think about what she is doing and not make up excuses.

salam

 

[eminbey]

SELAM ALIKOM
SISTER ALLAH ALMIGHTY NEVER EXPOSES HIS SLAVE'S SINS TO PEOPLE IN DUNIYA(LIFE) unless THAT PERSON be Extravagant with the sin;AND ALLAH ACCEPTS HIS REPENTANCE
this is a thing that I always believed,and tell people about
I didn't know about your sin because Allah covered up what you've did (may be you'll repent),and since you've been exposed to people you should know that Allah left you to your deeds,and sxposes you to people
may allah have mercy on us

 

[WithAllahsPowers]

SELAM ALIKOM
SISTER ALLAH ALMIGHTY NEVER EXPOSES HIS SLAVE'S SINS TO PEOPLE IN DUNIYA(LIFE) unless THAT PERSON be Extravagant with the sin;AND ALLAH ACCEPTS HIS REPENTANCE
this is a thing that I always believed,and tell people about
I didn't know about your sin because Allah covered up what you've did (may be you'll repent),and since you've been exposed to people you should know that Allah left you to your deeds,and sxposes you to people
may allah have mercy on us

i didnt say Allah will expose our sins, i said

i know that when someone makes a mistake / committs a sin, he should repent and not talk about it to anyone and Allah wont expose him in the hereafter

meaning off course Allah wont expose our sins.

alhumdulilah i've never committed a major sin or anything bad. it was that i was not wearing a scarf and use to listen to music. thats the only bad things ive done in life. i had strict parents and family who were there to protect us. there is nothing that Allah needs to expose of my sins or cover so i really dont understand why this was brought up.

i think i dont explain things properly and causes misunderstanding.

when i refer to sins, i include major and small.

plus, why is this thread now all about exposing sins??? lets drop this exposing thing because i personally dont like it and i never intended my sister to come onto TTI for exposure or anything like that.

i dont mean to sound like im angry or upset, but i just dont understand why exposing sins and all keeps coming up.

im sorry if in my posts it sounds like thats what i meant but i've already said it wasnt.

 

[Ahsen]

She is just asking for help/suggestion.I don't think she intended to expose someone.