important message for all brothers

[LoveofAllah]

Salam alaikum

I can see that some of you are very passionate about this issue. However, my post was somewhat misinterpreted.

Point 1:

I dont care about what non-muslim men do. We have Islam, so shame on us if we behave as animals.

Point 2:

I dont care who raised you. If a human being is aggressive towards another human being he will be punished. He wont be excused because his parents didnt teach him better. Although i do agree it is very important to raise children properly but to say a woman raised him is wrong. Thats the problem in our society because muslim men are not playing a role in raising children properly. Assume it is their job just to work. What about teaching children proper religion, morals, values? It is a collective responsibility

Point 3:

Allah swt created us in a natural state. He created us to feel guilt. He gave us logic and reason. No matter where you grew up, every human being knows that it is not okay to hurt another.

Point 4:

My intention is not to cause fitna by saying this. But Muslim men need to step up. How dare you say problems such as these are caused because women arent covering properly? Cmon, think about what you are saying. How low can our society be?

These problems arise because of our lack of understanding of Islam. Not because women arent covering. This isnt a blame game.

Lastly, I am hurting inside because of what my father did. So if people say its because women dont cover that he did that....ofcourse it will anger me. He did that because my father doesnt fear Allah. Because he doesnt pray or read quran. Because his family didnt raise him to learn good manners as our prophet taught us.

Please dont take offence to what i say. But no one can know how it feels if you arent in the situation. My mother was the best wife, and mother. This is not her fault. All her life she suffered. Since day one my father has hurt her. Domestic violence is a big problem in our community and we need to step up and deal with it.

The reality is, its men who are beating women. Am i right? So stop making excuses and make changes. No one deserves to be abused. How dare anyone justify it? Who are we to punish someone? We need to be humble, how dare we think we can punish others....
Even if the woman is at fault, a man should fear Allah and know that Allah is the Judge and not him.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

We have two issues going on here. The issue of polygamy and spousal abuse.

Have we jumped on the bandwagon. Let us slow down. The first poster was upset about her father taking a second wife. That is allowed. We do not know the details..but the mother has had her feelings hurt. It is not up to us to discuss the feelings the posters mother has. That is private.

As to the spousal abuse. And somehow it turned into a man hating thread. We can not generalize. There are men who are abusive to women. Not all men are abusive and not all Muslim men are abusive. We have not looked at the women who are abusive. This is seldom discussed but statistically there are more women who are emotionally and verbally abusive to men.

Those who are physically abusive are men who have fragile ego's. They are not men who practice their faith. They are quick to anger and when they fail in the duyna they attack their wives.

We need to be sensitive and mature in such discussions. We can not stereotype.

A woman who is abused suffers shame. She feels she is not worthy of anything and feels it is her fault. It takes a long time for the woman to regain her sense of purpose.

If the original poster is reading this..please try to pray to remove your pain. To see a mother suffering is very painful. Additionally there are Muslim groups that are addressing the issues of abuse. In the US there is a program and I believe CAIR has the contact information.

We will make dua for the mother and the poster. All of answers come from Allah subhana talla. And the poster is correct. We have to remember we are a family. We need to intercede to help each other out.

Finally, No Allah did not give us guilt. We create guilt. That was your third point. Guilt belongs to the duyna. Repentance belongs to Muslims and Allah subhan talla has given us the gift of Forgiveness.

If I have written something wrong..may Allah subhana talla forgive me.

 

[LoveIslam123]

salam aleikum
I agree with sister who posted the thread..
Im sorry to say ,but sometimes I feel like its better to stay alone all life ,then living with such man ...
Just an example happened recently at work place..
a muslim man comes to the store with his wife in Hijab and their child ,so innocent and beautiful woman ,and the husband goes to the girl who works in the store ,who is half nacked and tells her ,Im sorry but I have to tell you ,You are so beautiful,behind his wife's back ...
Now this is not one example ,there are many like this...
We cover for our husband ,keeping our buty for the husbands and then these men walk with their wife and stearing at other women .....
How low and how unfair such men are ,I hate these kind of men from all my heart ..

I personally believe there is no love ,and there is no man who is faithful ,or love his wife ..Men always need more ,no matter how good their wife is ,or how beautiful she is ,its never enough..

Sorry brother I dont mean to offend ,but Its just too much I have seen ..

waaleikum salam

 

[Kakorot]

:salam2:

who cares how non-muslim men treat their wives, thats not the issue we are discussing, its about how muslim men treat their wives.

and its true, there are many muslim men who ill treat their wives. at first they look all kind hearted etc but then after marriage its all a joke.

plus, if they get married again and don't even treat their first wife well, then on the day of ressurection THEY will walk on the siraat bridge with half side hanging!!

i just don't get some muslim men who are like that, and they 'practice islam' *cough!!* *cough!* :astag:

i seek refuge in Allaah for me and my sisters in Islam from marrying such a man!! ameen!!

 

[IHearIslam]

Salaam,

I spoke to a scholar about this passage and he said there is huge debate over the word. I can't remember the word exactly but he said it could mean to "leave abruptly." Once when a companion asked Mohammed (peace be upon him) what he should he strike his wife with, the Prophet held up a miswak and said, "With this." I think we need to ask ourselves, who would appear to be the foolish one in this case? The women being hit or the man hitting her with a twig? What was Mohammed (peace be upon him) trying to convey? That it is permissible to strike a wife or that it would be foolish of the man make the man look poorly?

Men are physically stronger and we need to remember that. I've never seen a man "hit a woman lightly" as a matter of fact, any time I've seen a woman struck it has been brutally. I don't think any man today has the restraint to "hit lightly" and thus shouldn't raise his hand whatsoever. Furthermore, let's remember Kadijah (ra) who was the Mohammed's (peace be upon him) first love was a working woman and was not constrained to be singularly a housewife. She was strong and intelligent, I think we could do much worse than try and be like her.

In the end the absolute best thing to do would be to follow the Sunnah and the Quran, yes? Did Mohammed (peace be upon him) ever hit any of his wives? No? Then not one Muslim man should either. Hitting a wife will accomplish nothing but to put anger, humilation and possibly hatred towards her husband in her heart. The moment my husband lays a violent hand on me is the moment he signs our divorce papers. Period. It is my right in Islam to be treated with respect and dignity. If I wanted to be treated less I would marry a non-Muslim.

Wasalaam

Totally agree with you sis...it seems that alot of men don't understand that! SubhanaAllah if a Muslim man wants to try his best to be like our beloved prophet SAW he would NEVER hit his wife. I personally don't see a problem with women working & sister the example you gave is a GREAT example :ma:. May Allah guide us to the right path and may He grant His mercy upon this Ummah.Ameen

 

[Asja]

HONOUR OF MUSLIM WOMEN


Assalamu Allaicomu

First of all I need to say that I comletely agree with sister Shyhijabi,sister Mirjamon,sister Chana and other sisters too Mashallah.May Allah reword you.
Muslim women are precious,and very valuable and they should be threat like that.
Those who even try to rise a hand on Muslim women,will recive great Allahs Punishment,and beet thier wife Astagfirullah.
Non Muslim would do that Astagfirullah BUt NOT truth beliver in islam ,and folower of our beloved Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s.,His Sunnah nad on the end Allash Holy Words SubhanAllah.

Muslim women is the most beautiful flower,she is the most precious pearl,and the most shineing briliant,she is pious,she is honest servent of Her Lord,she loves Her Lord more than anything and her belover Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s,her face is more shining than the sun becuase she is beliver so how that she like that do not be thread on the way like she deserves.
Husbands should and must threat thier wifes would kindness,love,care,so that Allah Inshallah can be pleased with them,and not beet them AStagfirullah.
Our beloved Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s. never that,and he was the most mercyfull.So truth belivers whos best examlpe is our Prophet Mohammed s.a.w.s. can never do that.
But Alhamdulillah Allah is the Greatest.Muslim husband should not even say a hard or bad words to his wife becuase verily that is wrong,words of Muslim husband towerd thier wifes should always be the msot sweet,nice and kind,Inshallah.
I pray to Allah that he rewords me and all my sisters with husband like this,Ameen,Ameen.:tti_sister:

Today Muslim women is educated,succesfull like mothers,wifes,like emloyed.They are doing good for all soceity,for Islam,and not only for thier slefe,Mashallah.
All that they can do by themselves but they can be more succesfull and they are more succesfull if they have support for that of thier husband and family.

The best examle for that is hazat Fatima,hazrat Khadiya,our mother,and aslo like good examle we have here sister Mirjamon Mashallah like good mother,Muslimah,and Inshallah good wife.

May Allah give all my sisters in Islam honorable place on this world,and may He reword them with more honorable place on other world world,Ameen

May Allah bless you all

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

I feel as if what I have posted has been ignored. There are two sides to every story. To a degree and this will offend many...women allow themselves to be treated poorly. One of the most successful flags in a marriage is when women learn to give thier husbands space. Most arguments become heated becasue a woman does not stop nagging a husband. It is not one person's fault. The issue is too complicated. Thus, I beg us not to write and condemn people when we are merely speculating.
I have spent time as a marriage counselor. I can tell you most men have cried and broken furniture before they will hit their wives.
Once again..I notice that the responses are emotional and not factual. Most of the posters have not been in relationships such as marriage. I am reading a lot of " hot" emotions.
Islam is not an individual religion. It is a community, too. We have an obligation to serve each other. We have to turn to each other first.

 

[LoveIslam123]

Salaam,

I feel as if what I have posted has been ignored. There are two sides to every story. To a degree and this will offend many...women allow themselves to be treated poorly. One of the most successful flags in a marriage is when women learn to give thier husbands space. Most arguments become heated becasue a woman does not stop nagging a husband. It is not one person's fault. The issue is too complicated. Thus, I beg us not to write and condemn people when we are merely speculating.
I have spent time as a marriage counselor. I can tell you most men have cried and broken furniture before they will hit their wives.
Once again..I notice that the responses are emotional and not factual. Most of the posters have not been in relationships such as marriage. I am reading a lot of " hot" emotions.
Islam is not an individual religion. It is a community, too. We have an obligation to serve each other. We have to turn to each other first.

salam aleikum

One of the most successful flags in a marriage is when women learn to give thier husbands space. Most arguments become heated becasue a woman does not stop nagging a husband

To give space how ,for example ?
sorry if Im off topic

wasalam

 

[Asja]

Salaam,

One of the most successful flags in a marriage when women learn to give thier husbands space.

Allaicumu Salam

I apologise dear sister but if you could explain us better what should for example mean "women should learn to give their husbands space"???

Becouse they have all space of the world to worship Allah and that means to obey His orders, SubhanAllah.

And the most succesfull, pure and the most beautiful mariage is the one in the name of Allah.
May Allah guide us all

Salam

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,


There is no need for an apology. In the US the phrase give space can mean to allow another person privacy.
Often in a heated argument between husband and wife they are in the same room or area. This intensifies the argument. Sometimes if one person leaves the room..the discussion diminishes. There is no counterattack. It takes two to make a battle.
If in the middle of an argument one partner lowers their gaze it can end an argument. Many times when the police are called for a domestic situation they will drive the husband around the block until he regains his composure. Space is just that. Leave each other alone. Walk away. Go for a drive. Imagine how many disputes would be settled if the wife would reach for the Quran and recite it.

We are so trained to blame the husbands..often it is the wife who edges him on. Do not remain in the same area. Do not add fuel to the fire. And above all learn to forgive each other. Most fights are over NOTHING. It is the ego and not the servant of Allah subhana talla that engages in an argument.

Forgive me if I sound like a know it all. I have worked in the field and have seen it all. So many women blame their husbands and they do not count the blessing that they have a husband. A husband is a gift from Allah subhana talla. And a gift must be cherished. Likewise a wife is a gift, and she too must be cherished. That is the way of Islam. All else is the way of the duyna.

 

[Asja]

Alaicumu Salam sister Mirjamom

Thank you for answering on my question dear sister. I have understood better what you wanted to say and I agree with you Mshallah.

May Allah bless you

Salam

 

[ShyHijabi]

Salaam,

Islam99,
The scholars do not agree on this point, and they say the actual word can be interpreted differently. We will have to disagree on this. I do not think men should hit their wives, EVER. I think it a pathetic excuse of a man that raises his hand in violence to someone weaker than himself. It makes him nothing more than a bully.

I think he would serve himself and the ummah better to divorce his wife than to act in such a disgusting manner. Women are not animals, to be beaten and pushed around if they dare diagree or "rebel." What is rebeling anyways? Burning the toast? Being tired and cranky? If a irrational husband determines any little mistake is "rebeling" then he can abuse his wife and justify it.

Divorce is permitted and I think he would serve himself better to leave a person before beating them. I really feel many here have never lived through domestic violence and if you had, you would feel much differently. I think people use that hadith (which may not be translated accurately) to excuse inexcusable behavior.

 

[Zafran]

Salaam

watch this sermon about domestic violence by Hamza Yusuf

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDEKJDgXO-U&feature=channel_page

peace

 

[gazkour]

Assalamo Alikom wa rahmato Allah wa barakato

Salaam,

Islam99,
The scholars do not agree on this point, and they say the actual word can be interpreted differently. We will have to disagree on this. I do not think men should hit their wives, EVER. I think it a pathetic excuse of a man that raises his hand in violence to someone weaker than himself. It makes him nothing more than a bully.

I think he would serve himself and the ummah better to divorce his wife than to act in such a disgusting manner. Women are not animals, to be beaten and pushed around if they dare diagree or "rebel." What is rebeling anyways? Burning the toast? Being tired and cranky? If a irrational husband determines any little mistake is "rebeling" then he can abuse his wife and justify it.

Divorce is permitted and I think he would serve himself better to leave a person before beating them. I really feel many here have never lived through domestic violence and if you had, you would feel much differently. I think people use that hadith (which may not be translated accurately) to excuse inexcusable behavior.

I completely agree with you sister.

Allah knows best.
May Allah guide us all.

Assalamo alikom wa rahmato Allah wa barakato

 

[Hard Rock Moslem]

No offense, Brother Sazk was right. He summarised the whole issue in simple manner. Our role model and qudwah until the qiamaah is always the Prophet (may blessings and peace be upon him). For mothers, you shall encourage your sons to learn about siraah and love the Prophet, by this way inshAllah, he will be a good husband.

 

[slaveofAllah88]

:salam2:
brothers and sisters, this debate has been going on for a while
Honestly, after reading many responses I feel like it all comes down to a personal experiences.
ALot of brothers here are argueing their point against womens, well their experience might differ, I know many men including my own dad, who doesn't respect women. I know someone called me "MODERN MUSLIM" here on TTI, well i found it really offensive but its ok my brother doesn't know my situation. I am a man myself, but i do agree that alot of Husbands are not following Islam and have become abusive and bully their family; also, many childrens dont respect their mother cuz they dont seetheir Father doing it, and alot of times in a Man's life his father is a influential figure, her mom can teach the guy many things but he might follow his dad more cuz he associate himself more like him, and wants to be a MAN OF THE HOUSE just like his Father in most of the cases cuz a good Father figure is extremely important and its not a myth ITS A FACT!! alot of muslim fathers i have seen dont respect their wives and ive seen it happen in my own house.
About women I would recommend my brothers to please please please follow this verse, Step by step, Allah (swt) is beautiful in his wisdom

As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct, admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) beat them (lightly); but if they return to obedience, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all). (An-Nisaa: 34)

Brothers it says beat them lightly, alot of us guys cannot follow that, I know when a man raises his hand he usually doesn't follow that command so my brothers if you cant do that please dont hit any of my innocent and kind sisters .

Everyone makes mistakes, we have to understand that men tend to do stuff without caring for other sex especially when we are angry, please resolve this anger issue, I have seen many men go crazy with anger and cause so much disturbance in the house.
My brother sazk and other I agree with your opinion, but if you saw how some men treat their wife, if that person wife was my daughter or sister or my mother, the pain i would feel would be unbearable, it would be hard to forgive that person, and i see men like that many times who abuse their strength provided by Allah (swt).

I am not a so called MODERN MUSLIM, I think Islam very beautifully gives men and women their right and we should follow them, when a women have kids yes she should stay home and try her best to take care of her but most of the men, won't even let their wives step out of the house, its like they have them trapped inside the house, I think a husband and wife should have a really close bond and build trust within themselves, praying together, studying Islam together really helps, waking up other person for fajr with Love helps, come close to Allah and inshallah Allah (swt) will keep your bond strong in this world and in the world hereafter. I barely ever hear any husband ever waking her wife up for Fajr its usually the women thats given all the responsiblity to do everything, and please please DONT treat your wife like she is your house maid, or care-taker for kids, She is NOT, its your house too STOP being so LAZY, and I mean it so many guyz have become so lazy they come home and they expect their wives to start working like SLAVES, U know what happens then, your wives just hates it when you come home.

Brother I know there are bad womens in the world too its not like they are perfect, follow the guidelines provided above from the Quranic verse to deal with them, But remember mind your actions too, Allah (swt) made the women really sensitive, you know its funny sometimes how many times, we men wont realize it how badly we might have hurt a women so chose your words wisely and be polite to your wife, Its easier to heal a wound than a broken heart so Think before you Speak especially when angry.

lol incase alot of people are thinking am i a women in guy's disguide, NO I AM NOT, I am just very close to my mom, and ive been her shoulder to cry and share her feelings with since i was very young, I had to mature at a really early stage cause of my dad, thats why i want all you brothers to understand this issue that the sister brought up so your kids in the future don't go through what me and my sister "About LoveofAllah", are going through.
:salam2:

PS: DONT disregard the points that the sisters are making cause alot of things are reality.

 

[Aapa]

Salaam,

The issues raised are complicated and diverse. What we need to keep in mind is that we are a family i.e. our ummath. It becomes our responsibilty to take care of each other in an Islamic manner.
This forum can assist by educating others. We can share Islamic solutions by posting new threads. May I ask my brothers and sisters to post links for programs to assist our needy sisters.
To any sister..feel free to PM me..
I thank you for reading my response

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:

I think that the sufferings of islamic families is due to low standered of muslems in most respects (sorry to say) But if we think about our Umma as a whole we see that we are not represtenting Islam 5% may be. Islam is Quran and Sunna ....let us compare ourselves to those who Allah swt guided and see the big gap. Islam are lessons we need to learn the lessons and then act according to what we believe. Islam sets a very high level for morals and conduct sometimes we muslem feel ( because of our weakness ) is very high to catch. I think that each muslem should turn to find what is within and try to correct the relation with Allah swt : we are no more than humble slaves ....no one can claim superiority man or women ......families (especially those with children) should remain stable to give a healthy place for children (a father and mother should feel their resposibility. By the way I am a women I don`t accept to be beaten but I am sure that this beating in Islam is for some wisdom since Islam is for the whole humanity ....May be some women in the world like to feel how strong is her husband by miswak beating ( But first should advice and then to leave the bed just as in the verse surat Nissa).


And Allah knows best :astag:

 

[slaveofAllah88]

I agree with my brother before me
aslam o alikum

 

[LoveofAllah]

JazakAllah khair for all the above information.

I am learning alot from this forum and i hope it is for the best.

Everyone is saying alot of things but no one knows until they have experienced it. However one thing i do not agree with is that it is both the parents fault. Not in my case.

My father has been cheating on my mother since their marriage began. A few days after their marriage he was on a role....
No one can tell me that it is partly my mothers fault.

My father is suffering right now. He is getting older, has no money, no job, no respect, no children....

It breaks me deep down to see him like that but i cannot bring myself to call him and ask him how he is doing. I always told myself that when i graduate from school and start working i would support my parents. I havent reached that point yet but it tears me deep inside.

I dont like to look at my father, i dont like to talk to him. When i see his face, it angers me. In all my life i have spoken to him a few times.
Please dont jump to conclusions and say i am a disrespectful daughter and allah will punish me. I want to take care of him but I despise him so much. All my life my mother has worked and supported us. For her suffering allah has rewarded her. She has her children by her side who would never leave her.

I learned alot from many of the posts above and i hope it helps me to come to terms with this. Please dont take offence to what i say. Im talking about this to learn more because i know i need to learn more. Not to put down men.