Is cutting off the relations halal if I am losing my iman?

[Pre_Med]

:salam2:

Please listen to my story, it may seem ridiculously unbelievable, but I am not trolling and I come to you for advice, this is the only place where I would open up to:

Here's my story:

I am the fourth son of quite a large family, and the second to be a university student. My parents despise me, as evident from the way they have treated me in comparison to my other siblings. I have always been an A+ student, but they didn't really care. When my other siblings received decent enough grades (a B) they would celebrate with them and even buy the gifts on occasion. This doesn't really bother me, but an acknowledgment wouldn't hurt. My parents have also on occasion referred to how dark my skin is, and have made subtle comments thinking I wouldn't understand or catch on. I do think this has something to do with the inherent dislike my parents have for me. My mom has kicked me out of the house 3 times, and I only was allowed back after my aunties heard why she kicked me out and gave them an earful. I don't get what I am doing wrong, my two elder brothers are complete losers and dropped out of high-school. Yet my parents love them unconditionally and would even go as far as to lie that they have degrees, to get them married and make them as happy. I, on the other hand, get treated like a house-maid, have more house responsibilities than my sisters while my other brothers have no house-responsibilities, and juggle this with my home-work and studying as well as volunteering at a hospital. I hear insults and take the verbal abuse from both my mother and father day and night, including when I'm studying. My mom says things like "you can never become a doctor, you're simply too slow in the head, I wouldn't definitely want you as my doctor, you think other people would?" and my dad would say "when are you going to get a genetic test? Maybe we had our real kid switched at the hospitals" that is mostly the tolerable stuff which I just ignore, things they can say can get much worse. I always try and talk to them about this, how I've always been a studious and ambitious even as a boy and how I'm not a drop-out or losers like my brothers they love unconditionally, but then they attack me and get all defensive. I feel like I'm losing my sanity and my Iman. I don't know why Allah (SWT) would put me through this family, I don't even think this is my true family and really am starting to believe I've probably been switched at birth. I am just so different from most of my family, in my thought processes and mannerisms as well as my physical characteristics except for my youngest sister who's the only one who understands me and that I can truly talk to. I've had 2 suicide attempts, and only pulled out the end in fear of the punishment that would await. I am miserable and my GPA is dropping as the tests are coming back with lower marks after each test. If I keep this up, I won't get into medical school and my dream will be effectively shattered.

Here's my solution: I currently commute, but I am planning to move to residence next semester. I want to cut-off all relations with my family, make a new identity, and never see them ever again in my life. I basically want to start off with a fresh-slate, and try to erase these people from my life. Given these dire circumstances, would it be allowed? My faith is in jeopardy and I've slowly seen it slipping away past couple of years.

 

[108EEDMAH]

woww i feel for you brother. im trying to get into med to and i have no idea how your doing school with all this. The Prophet told us respect those who respect you. and the way your mom is talking to you i think shes pushing the whole thing about respecting your mother no matter what. in my opinion i think your allowed to do what your going to do. but i think after you finish med school that you should come back and try to help them becz what there doing is not right. and in the end there still your family. and remember brother the harder the tests the stronger the faith and Allah never puts us in a situation that we cant handle. my opinion doesnt mean its right so wait for others to reply, they probably have better answers and inshalla everythin works out for you

 

[Salam2You]

Salam brother!

“He whom Allah intends good, He makes him to suffer from some affliction” (Al-Bukhari).

Thank Allah that he's put you in such a state! By thanking Allah, you're most likely to be succeeding in this life, and the hereafter. Allah comes first before family, you choose what's right for Allah! It's your life, your state, you're not going to leave your family for a woman that you love more than your mother (haram) or leaving them because of jealousy, it's for your own sake.

I make dua that your life will succeed the best out of your whole family. I'm sorry if this dua is bad enough to say, but I hate to see someone's life shattered because of people getting in the way...

May Allah bless you with most rewards brother.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaium,

First, you are at the right place.

From the initial reading of your post I am not surprised. So many many Muslims, and something tells me your family is from the subcontinent, are color struck. Shame on us.

Why do we not put your situation in a positive light. You are strong. You are the one who is living out the dreams of your parents. It took me a long time to understand the need for Muslims to succeed in this world. They have the mistaken notion that a physician is the only one who can get into heaven, after a scholar. ( I think we need plumbers more ).

As we do not know the circumstances of your family it would be unfair to comment on their needs and the strange comments they make towards you.

I would not make comments about your brothers as being losers. Your parents are suffering and have to save face. Saving face is a strange notion in the Muslim world. At all costs one must save face. I have seen the horror stories of saving face.

You are the successful one. Your parents are fully aware of the circumstances of your brothers. Your parents will not say anything to your brothers because they are too embarrassed.

Now, let us tie this into faith. That is why you wrote to us. Faith is perfected by humility in all circumstances. Son, do you not think that you are being rewarded by Allah. You are serving your parents while trying to carry the family. Thus far you have managed to do well. Keep up the good work.

We will make dua for you. Insha'Allah, you will get into medical school. You are honoring your parents now and will continue to honor your parents.

Suicide is a waste of time. Time is the most luxurious gift Allah has given us while we are alive. Take advantage of this gift.

As to you being dark...son, some of us love coffee with no sugar no cream...dark usually comes with the modifier handsome.. so there you go baby..intelligent and handsome and dark and pious,... not bad.

I pray this makes some sense..

as for your grades...go study and quit thinking.

 

[Salam2You]

Salam

What a GREAT explanation, big sister Aapa! ^^

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

:salam2:

I pray that Allah eases your condition and makes everything easy for you. Ameen

Can you attend Sh Assim Al Hakeem's lesson on Sundays at around 11 pm CT (or 12 pm) ? We can explain your situation to him and try to benefit from his reply InshaAllah.

 

[Ahsen]

You need peace of mind.If you keep paying attention on what your parents say then you won't get it.I had the same problem.I don't really care much now but it still hurts me from inside that why my parents hated me for no obvious reason.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Come on guys...just because you think I am old does not make me dead!

 

[dna1987]

Assalam alaikum Pre_Med,

I tried to send you a private message but your inbox is already full! Just don't give up hope. I wrote quite a few things in the PM, but if you could answer these questions, maybe I could help you a bit more.

What country do you live in? And what country are you originally from, if it's a different one? How many siblings do you have and what number are you?

The only advice I can give you at the moment is not to not give up. Set some goals. A target. And I'll tell you what that immediate target is...to get the highest possible grades, no matter what you have to do. No matter who tells you what, the most important practical step you can take now is getting the highest possible grades.

The end target goal is to become financially independent and inshAllah successful. If possible, send me a PM when your inbox is clear. Don't be sad. I was in a similar situation once, but not like this. Today I'm finishing the 3rd year of my medical degree in....four days actually, this is my final week. Assalam alaikum.

 

[faaraa]

Hm.. I understand what you are going through... indeed people have made me think that whether RELATIONSHIPS are blessings or cursing in my life...

But dear brother, you can only have problems with whom you love the most.. you can never develop problems with strangers...I mean, only a bond can create a rift...

ALLAH AZZAWAJAL tests the people who have more Thaqwa and Imaan.. thats why the prophets (PBU THEM ALL) had to go through so much of tough times in this world... so basically may be you too are being tested by ALLAH AZZAWAJAL as HE wants to check your Imaan too:muslim_child:

Color has got nothing to do with one's heart, I wonder why most of the people dont understand this... You know what?? I know of some children who are living in an orphanage ONLY BECAUSE THEIR PARENTS DID NEVER LIKE THEIR SKIN COLOR...

It is ALLAH AZZAWAJAL who selects the skin color... SO DONT WORRY ABOUT IT..

He it is Who shapes you in the wombs as He pleases. There is no god but He, the Exalted in Might, the Wise. (3:6) ​

JUST REMEMBER BROTHER, HAZRAT BILAAL (RAL) WAS BLACK SKINNED BUT BRIGHT IN FAITH....

Now, you too can be soo bright just like him INSHA ALLAH...

And, you can never neglect your parents NEVER... But you are permitted to do it ONLY when they force you to worship some one else that ALLAH AZZAWAJAL..

SO LOVE THEM BROTHER.. JUST LOVE THEM... SUBHANALLAH LOVING YOUR PARENTS IS A TEST FOR YOU NOW..

and just remember that

On no soul doth Allah place a burden greater than it can bear. It gets every good that it earns and it suffers every ill that it earns. (Pray): "Our Lord! condemn us not if we forget or fall into error; our Lord! Lay not on us a burden like that which Thou didst lay on those before us; Our Lord! lay not on us a burden greater than we have strength to bear. Blot out our sins and grant us forgiveness. Have mercy on us. Thou art our Protector; help us against those who stand against faith." (2:286)

SO YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH TO FACE THIS PROBLEM BROTHER... SO FACE IT..

Changing the feces will change nothing, BUT facing the changes might change every thing

MAY ALLAH AZZAWAJAL ALWAYS GUIDE ALL OF US..:tti_sister:

FEE AMANILLAH

 

[a_stranger]

:salam2:
I think that sufferings while we grow make us more human , a person who don`t feel pain will never be a true human . If you read Quran you find out that all prophets of Allah whom he sobhanahu wa taala mostly loved suffered a lot during their lifes but then they where choosed as prophets .....Who knows may be you are meant to be a brilliant doctor. Now you are growing ..this part of your life is a must for your future if you know how to read between lines.

 

[a_stranger]

“Do men think that on their mere saying, ‘We have attained to faith’, they’ll be left to themselves and will not be put to test? Indeed we did test those who lived before them and so too shall be tested those who are now living and most certainly will Allah mark out those who prove themselves true and most certainly will He mark out those whose faith is a lie (29:1-2).”

“My Lord! I am suffering and you are most gracious and most merciful (21:83).”

“For those who are patient, we have for them abundant reward in store (39:10).”

If you ponder in the verses of Quran you feel how much pain the good men suffered on earth but their faith wa never down sometimes sufferings make us turn to our creator with sincerity we miss it when we are Ok.

One more point please brother look into yourself (I am not saying that you are mistaken)but may be your attitude in the house make them feel that you are arrogant because of your success ...and some renarks from you drive them to treat you in this way to balance the situation in front of your lbrother`s failiar , the emotions of parents are too complicated they want that all their children be satisfied ........I am not saying that they are right or just .....but i like that you try to be more understanding ........Parents suffer when their children fail.........this may hide their happiness with yor success

I think it is a good idea to leave home if you feel that staying will affect your study .....but never cut what Allah sobhanahu wa taala tied .........I am sure your family love you but some complicated and unjust emotions are blocking this love to be felt. I am sure all of them love you .......and when you become a doctor will prefer you on all others . Believe me Allah is with you and will support you don`t worry ....study do your best .....A very good future is waiting for you InshaaAllah. We are waiting to hear the good news.

 

[arzafar]

this is obviously a sister and probably from the subcontinent as sister appa suggested.

tbh since the situation is unbearable to the extent you have tried suicide, i think you should leave your family. Find some islaamic center or trustworthy muslim sisters (translation = not from indo-pak) who will give you a safe environment and not pressure you in the name of family honor and all that.

and i know that not all people from subcontinent are like that but most are!

 

[xAllahKnowsBestx]

this is obviously a sister and probably from the subcontinent as sister appa suggested.

Umm, I'm pretty sure it's a brother.

Well anyway, everyone's given you awesome advice brother. Don't even think about suicide, it's not worth it! You seem like a reaaaallly smart person, so do whatever that you're doing right now and don't take their criticisms seriously, some people just wanna bring you down. :muslim_child:

 

[arzafar]

Treat the case as is.

lolz kkkk ignore my post then bro but you dont sound like a man. i guess you need a lot of help.

 

[trying2learn]

Parents sometimes will harder on one child than on another because they know or at least think you are strong. The may coddle a "weaker" child, and often times they will lash out and speak or treat the "stronger" child badly to make the "weaker" child feel important. Although this is misguided, many parents do this, I know it happened to me as well. Do what is best for you, to keep your faith and sanity, and make prayers for your family. I moved away from my parents, and it is hard to just leave, I will not lie. I have, over the course of a decade, continued to make attempts to "belong" to my family, but it has not worked out (due to the reason my parents are christians and I met, married and had children with a mulsim arab, and they did NOT approve, to the point the shun their own grandchildren). I pray your situation will improve and your burden eased. This will truly affect you when you become a parent yourself, I know it affected me and how I mother my children and step children. I hope this helped, even if it only a small help.

 

[ShahnazZ]

I truly feel for you Akhi. The treatment your own family subjects you to is absolutely disgusting and they would totally deserve your disconnecting from them. As a human being, you are entitled to love and compassion, first and foremost from your family. As you're not getting that, your grades are dropping and your iman is at a low, I feel that it's fine for you to dorm. It will give you a healthy amount of distance from them and will give you the personal time you need to bring up your iman as well as start focusing on your education again. You can't expect to live in that negative environment and bring both those things back up. Your stress is clearly correlated to the treatment you receive from your parents and I think it's best if you just leave in order to study.

However, this isn't cutting off relations. As Muslims, we do dawah to those in our family first. Show them that no matter how badly they treat you, you are a bigger person than they are and you will honor your parents in the end. This will inshAllah open their eyes (if not now, then someday) when they realize that their child had more sense then they did and taught them a thing or two. They will also see that this type of behavior is coming from an individual who is practicing true Islamic behavior and perhaps then they will then strive to become better Muslims themselves.

Be an example for them. Show them how it's done. But don't compromise yourself to do it. I recommend that you dorm on campus and still maintain relations with them at the same time. That way, you're getting the time you need to focus on yourself minus the unhealthy distractions and at the same time, you're not disobeying Allah SWT by cutting off relations with your family members. Remember akhi, RasulAllah told many Sahabah who had non-Muslims as parents that they are still to honor them. If this command applies to non-Muslims then clearly it applies to Muslims above anything. If they are wronging you, let them answer Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala for that. Don't let the pain they're causing be something else you will have to answer for. Be the bigger person and be the best example of Islam.

May Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala ease your pain and make things easier for you.

 

[allah is with me]

wiered brother..
i dont know why....
in my life i have seen a father scolding thier on for not studying,as my father sometimes scold me when i dont study..
but a mother every time support her children......
but wiered.. are a studious person?.
and still ur parents hate you..ya allah!.why????
i know , that u dont know the answer..but brother ..this is a test for you..allah loves and he wants to test you ..
but i dont think the cutting off the relation ship is a good idea....
your mother says that u cannot be a doctor..y dont u prove her wrong..y dont u become a doctor and show her, that ur son is the best...
brother.i really dont know what to say...
ah!..ill just pray for u brother...


walaiakumassalam