Lack of Good Suitors
- Thread starter ShahnazZ
- Start date
Tabassum07
Smile for Allah
:salam2:
I've seen many cases where the parents don't care if a match for their children is religious or not - they just look at things like wealth, money, job, house, etc, and religion is not a priority at all. What then?
I've seen many cases where the parents don't care if a match for their children is religious or not - they just look at things like wealth, money, job, house, etc, and religion is not a priority at all. What then?
Moonlight_88
New Member
Jazakhallah khair for the ahadeeth, they carry guidance and reminders for the believing men and women.
I have not read everyone's discussion but there is something i would like to add. When searching for a spouse, we should always remember that deen is the most important aspect of our life, hence pay careful attention to one's character. I know many say looks are important, yes they do play a part as you need to find the person attractive. I personally do not agree with 'ticking boxes' approach because marriage is a beautiful and deep bond and you will surely face hardships in life where you will need to compromise and make sacrifices. You will never find a person that is perfect. As for different mentalities and cultural upbringing, it definately plays a role in how a person thinks. We as Muslims should always try to remember that this dunya is just a test for us so we should prioritise all those things that please Allah and will bring us closer to HIM. Hence try to see beauty in each others differences rather than seeing it as a weakness.
For those women who want to work and their potential partner may not agree. Lets go back to our deen and see what our role is as a muslim woman or man. we should prioritise our responsibilities that are related to our deen. We all have different life experiences, hence our understanding may differ. Lets always make dua to Allah to assist us in our worldy affairs so we always remain close to him.
May Allah give the believing men and women the strength to fulfil their duties towards Islam (Ameen).
مع السلامة
ShahnazZ
Striving2BeAStranger
I definitely know one reason why sisters in the West are having trouble finding men:
Many of the brothers raised in the West are either marrying from "back home" or are recruiting in high schools. As in they get girls from overseas, teenage girls, or both.
My question is: WHY?
I posed this question to my mommy dearest and she gave me the following reason:
Girls from "back home" can sometime lack the "independence" that Western sisters have. This helps them to do the following:
1. Become easily "molded" by hubby dearest in the image he desires best.
2. Are similar to the types of women many men believe their own mothers to be.
Aaaaand ta dahhhhh!
3. Are more willing to take care of their in-laws.
So this is our speculation. The truth is only known to the brothers. In that case, please do share as to why many brothers in the west resort to marrying "back home" than from their own respective countries.
Many of the brothers raised in the West are either marrying from "back home" or are recruiting in high schools. As in they get girls from overseas, teenage girls, or both.
My question is: WHY?
I posed this question to my mommy dearest and she gave me the following reason:
Girls from "back home" can sometime lack the "independence" that Western sisters have. This helps them to do the following:
1. Become easily "molded" by hubby dearest in the image he desires best.
2. Are similar to the types of women many men believe their own mothers to be.
Aaaaand ta dahhhhh!
3. Are more willing to take care of their in-laws.
So this is our speculation. The truth is only known to the brothers. In that case, please do share as to why many brothers in the west resort to marrying "back home" than from their own respective countries.
ahmed_indian
to Allah we belong
:salam2:,
i think the sisters living in west should try to answer this. why many brothers-in-Islam who are living with them in west not opting for them?
is it due to their being too much career-minded that they keep the duties towards your husband and home in the second place? or is it their sense of being independant that they treat working for their family as becoming *unpaid-maid* and demands like separate apartment,etc? *not all but few sisters*
if a brother can get peaceful life by marrying a girl from back-home who likes to take care of him and home...whats wrong with that?
PS: i dont live in west
ahmed_indian
to Allah we belong
,well...that child can write a letter to his/her parents:
To,
my parents,
home.
Subject: Find religious spouse for me
This is to inform you that i, so-so, son/daughter of you both have understood the reality of life. now, Allah is more important to me than people and Hereafter more than this world. i no more wants to marry someone based on looks or wealth only. The basic criteria should be deen.
Therefore, you are requested to look for a spouse for me based on the criteria mentioned above.
Your kind attention, usual cooperation (and quick response before i get old) will be highly appreciated.
Yours truly,
so-so
son/daughter
PS:
*kidding*
ShahnazZ
Striving2BeAStranger
My posted speculation was my attempt at answering the question. But your response leaves me with some more questions.
If in fact, the sister's career comes first for her then of course, I agree she will have a harder time finding a spouse than a sister for whom getting married is more of a priority than her career. However, these brothers are easily taking the generalization of a workaholic female and applying it to every Muslim female in the west. Yes, sisters like this do exist amongst us but I don't know why it's so hard for brothers to accept the fact that not all Westernized sisters are like this. The definition of independence as being "paid" for all of our free labor is not one that I hold to be true. There are many Western Muslim sisters who simply want to raise a family with husbands who love and respect them. There are some sisters who are willing to put their families and their husbands above their careers. Putting the same image to all westernized sisters does us a disservice as we all have different faces.
The scenario you have stated is a very narrow one. Most of the sisters that I know choose a career based on what pleases them and based on how they feel they can best contribute to society. But these very sisters also believe that Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala's Commands come first and are willing to put their families and their husbands first and foremost. Having a career as a second priority is what these women opt for. So is this to say that the sister should not have a career AT ALL if she desires marriage or that she can still have her career provided that it does not trump her husband, kids, and family?
I'm not saying anything IS wrong with it. I'm just asking why it's something that most men seem to be resorting to when there are suitable options around them. Again, I can't generalize and say all. Also, please remember that when I say that brothers are resorting to this, I mean brothers that are Westernized as well but have immigrant origins (i.e. their parents migrated from a Muslim country). The reason why I ask this is because you would think that brothers in the west would feel more of a kinship with sisters in the west as they come from a common background and society. However, they seem to be resorting to looking "back home" for their wives, with whom they have even less in common than from the former.
Then there's the issue of going after the teeny boppers.
Color me puzzled.
ansari
STRANGER...
well...that child can write a letter to his/her parents:
To,
my parents,
home.
Subject: Find religious spouse for me
This is to inform you that i, so-so, son/daughter of you both have understood the reality of life. now, Allah is more important to me than people and Hereafter more than this world. i no more wants to marry someone based on looks or wealth only. The basic criteria should be deen.
Therefore, you are requested to look for a spouse for me based on the criteria mentioned above.
Your kind attention, usual cooperation (and quick response before i get old) will be highly appreciated.
Yours truly,
so-so
son/daughter
PS:
:salam2:
:lol:
lets all single brothers send this letter to our parents
:lol: 
:salam2:
:lol:
lets all single brothers send this letter to our parents
:lol: i am already in this line for 3 years :lol: my application is pending to higher authorities :lol: . the note says " the status of the application is pending until a suitable match is found "
:lol:
ansari
STRANGER...
:lol: i am already in this line for 3 years :lol: my application is pending to higher authorities :lol: . the note says " the status of the application is pending until a suitable match is found "
akhi make Dua dua & dua.....you will get pious wife, inshalla
ahmed_indian
to Allah we belong
1. yes i totally agree with you sister....if brothers in west thinks that all girls are career-minded, then they are grossly *wrong*.
2. why brothers look for girls back-home? well, its a secret......shhhhhh!! you dont know the brothers nature.
we like to be kind of being protective. and many girls in west dont prefer to be protected morally or financially. so, poor bros have to look in their home nations for this. :tongue:Assalaam walaikum,
You raise good points. My question becomes when will your parents listen to you. They are culture bound.
I have seen many a brother get a live in girlfriend and later they marry. Yes, I have seen the green card getter, too.
But parents need to understand "home" is here..not there. They have to understand when a child is raised here and you marry from there..you have a herethere relationship. It becomes a cultural mess.
The message it sends is here is not as good as there.
Thank god..I will be wed in heaven, if Allah subhana talla grants me that. You youngsters need to take charge of your lives.
You raise good points. My question becomes when will your parents listen to you. They are culture bound.
I have seen many a brother get a live in girlfriend and later they marry. Yes, I have seen the green card getter, too.
But parents need to understand "home" is here..not there. They have to understand when a child is raised here and you marry from there..you have a herethere relationship. It becomes a cultural mess.
The message it sends is here is not as good as there.
Thank god..I will be wed in heaven, if Allah subhana talla grants me that. You youngsters need to take charge of your lives.
Assalaamu alaikum.
The lack of suitors is because we are becoming more and more selfish, we need a man just for us alone, whereas Allah tells men to marry up to four.
I am an Imam, already married, not rich but have a good living, and am ready for a second, third, and fourth wife, my only condition is that the girl should study Islam and work for Allah by teaching what she will learn.
Unfortunately I am far from America, but if any sister is interested..........................
The lack of suitors is because we are becoming more and more selfish, we need a man just for us alone, whereas Allah tells men to marry up to four.
I am an Imam, already married, not rich but have a good living, and am ready for a second, third, and fourth wife, my only condition is that the girl should study Islam and work for Allah by teaching what she will learn.
Unfortunately I am far from America, but if any sister is interested..........................
These points,plus many men want to come closer to their own culture,whereas women don't like their original culture.I also prefer girls from back home because they are taught how to run a home,also i can come closer to my culture.
slaveofAllah88
Slave of Allah (swt)
aslam o aliakum
@ sister ShahnazZ
Living in the west myself, do you think the problem could be right people not meeting the right person?
where i lived and im sure you can agree since New York has huge muslims population, when you look around in our society, most of the men and women are "Westernized", they dont hold on to their religious values, alot of girls wear hijab but with tight clothing and have no sense of hayah, while the brothers only keep a beard for style/trend/fashion and most are or have been involved in some sort of affair or relationship.
But Im sure there are good people out there yet they are hard to find in the ignorant crowd of the muslim, MashAllah the city, i grew up in living in the west had good muslim population but most of the people wont even tell others they are people and looking at them you cant even tell they are muslim, and you will find very few muslims who will stand out as someone who really care about deen before duniya, and would put their spouse feelings before themselves.
Regarding, career for women, alot of men [including me] would prefer that the women stays home takes care of the kids and house hold etc, because women are the one that build a household, and like the glue that holds everyone in the family together, and there are many other benefits. BUT, I personally not speaking for everyone wouldn't mind if she wants to work for a good cause, MashAllah when i was small this arabic women would teach quran to the kids, some women were taking part in doing other community services to help the community in particularly the muslims, many sisters helped in the masjid especially during running a sunday school. I think in such cases women play an important role and if she takes 2-3 hr thats not a bad thing, it keeps her active, and confident. But i think the most important thing to remember is the duties of the household come before work and career.
At the end Allah knows best, but InshAllah lets try in our local communities to talk to the imam or sheikh that can help local people who hold good religious and moral values come together. InshAllah taa'a
@ sister ShahnazZ
Living in the west myself, do you think the problem could be right people not meeting the right person?
where i lived and im sure you can agree since New York has huge muslims population, when you look around in our society, most of the men and women are "Westernized", they dont hold on to their religious values, alot of girls wear hijab but with tight clothing and have no sense of hayah, while the brothers only keep a beard for style/trend/fashion and most are or have been involved in some sort of affair or relationship.
But Im sure there are good people out there yet they are hard to find in the ignorant crowd of the muslim, MashAllah the city, i grew up in living in the west had good muslim population but most of the people wont even tell others they are people and looking at them you cant even tell they are muslim, and you will find very few muslims who will stand out as someone who really care about deen before duniya, and would put their spouse feelings before themselves.
Regarding, career for women, alot of men [including me] would prefer that the women stays home takes care of the kids and house hold etc, because women are the one that build a household, and like the glue that holds everyone in the family together, and there are many other benefits. BUT, I personally not speaking for everyone wouldn't mind if she wants to work for a good cause, MashAllah when i was small this arabic women would teach quran to the kids, some women were taking part in doing other community services to help the community in particularly the muslims, many sisters helped in the masjid especially during running a sunday school. I think in such cases women play an important role and if she takes 2-3 hr thats not a bad thing, it keeps her active, and confident. But i think the most important thing to remember is the duties of the household come before work and career.
At the end Allah knows best, but InshAllah lets try in our local communities to talk to the imam or sheikh that can help local people who hold good religious and moral values come together. InshAllah taa'a
I agree with you.That's what i was thinking.You said it all.
Tabassum07
Smile for Allah
:salam2:
It's strange, but it is all predestined. I have only had the unfortunate encounter with brothers whose last priority is deen. In the end Allah SWT makes the final decision.
You will not believe the stories I have to tell - I have had people tell me that since I desire deen over dunya, I should get ready to have a husband who will scold me, not let me leave the house even for a bit, hit me (and that I deserve to be hit if I marry for deen.)
This thread is depressing to me. Only Allah SWT knows our hearts. Let's not generalize, please.
It's strange, but it is all predestined. I have only had the unfortunate encounter with brothers whose last priority is deen. In the end Allah SWT makes the final decision.
You will not believe the stories I have to tell - I have had people tell me that since I desire deen over dunya, I should get ready to have a husband who will scold me, not let me leave the house even for a bit, hit me (and that I deserve to be hit if I marry for deen.)
This thread is depressing to me. Only Allah SWT knows our hearts. Let's not generalize, please.
Assalaam walaikum,
This is the one time I am asking what the scholars have to say. We have a major issue for many young persons. They need mates and the parents and some of the youngsters are caught up in culture and who knows what.
Why do they not have Muslim singles night. I know of some masjids that do that. It seems to work.
For those that just had a heart attack...invite the parents.
The Muslims are limiting the field. Do not do that.
This is the one time I am asking what the scholars have to say. We have a major issue for many young persons. They need mates and the parents and some of the youngsters are caught up in culture and who knows what.
Why do they not have Muslim singles night. I know of some masjids that do that. It seems to work.
For those that just had a heart attack...invite the parents.
The Muslims are limiting the field. Do not do that.
ShahnazZ
Striving2BeAStranger
JazakAllah khair to the brothers who took the time to explain why choosing a girl from "back home" is more preferrable to them. However, there still is no response to why marrying teenage sisters has become the trend. My belief is that it happens because a young girl is more easily moldable than an older one. If this isn't true, then please do explain it to me.
Sister Tabassum07, I understand your feelings well. However the responses you are getting are from people who clearly do not put deen first over dunya. For these individuals, common sense will tell you that they do not believe too highly in anything but the ability of this world to determine the success of a marriage. For people like this, their jibberish should go in one ear and out the other. They truly know nothing of deen and to let their misguided advice affect you is doing a disservice to you. Know that Islam does not allow oppression of any kind and that in fact, it is DUNYA that allows oppression of an individual, whether it is one's physical or mental condition. People like the ones you're speaking of need to be educated and the least that they deserve is someone listening to their ignorant babble.
Don't be depressed. Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala will reward you with a pious spouse inshAllah.
Sister Tabassum07, I understand your feelings well. However the responses you are getting are from people who clearly do not put deen first over dunya. For these individuals, common sense will tell you that they do not believe too highly in anything but the ability of this world to determine the success of a marriage. For people like this, their jibberish should go in one ear and out the other. They truly know nothing of deen and to let their misguided advice affect you is doing a disservice to you. Know that Islam does not allow oppression of any kind and that in fact, it is DUNYA that allows oppression of an individual, whether it is one's physical or mental condition. People like the ones you're speaking of need to be educated and the least that they deserve is someone listening to their ignorant babble.
Don't be depressed. Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala will reward you with a pious spouse inshAllah.