Lack of Good Suitors

[ShahnazZ]

:salam2:


i dont know why all sisters here are opposed to the concept of taking care of mother and father in law? . in my culture it is necessary , like i love my mother (my father is no more) , so if my wife wants to be close with me or wants me to admire her then she should love and care for my mother. if she doesn't love and care for those whom i love and care ( obviously mahram here ) then how can you people except to have a long lasting relationship and love among the spouses? . this seems totally unacceptable in my culture. i am not saying that it is obligatory for her to take care of her mother and father in law but it is a main source for her to get close to her husband if her husband gives preference to this act of hers .i think this is because of different cultural backgrounds, in west i think it is not accepted or obligatory but in our societies in indopak this is a MUST. about women doing job , i have no objection but i think everyone prefers the wife to be at home and not doing job. job out of necessity is another thing and when a woman does job, she should be following the Islamic values then there is no harm

@sister shahnaz . dont get me wrong sister, this is what i saw here , may be my perception is wrong and u might be correct as i have not lived my whole life in west, it is only 1.5 years lol. i respect your views.

Akhi, my parents were born and raised in Pakistan so I know the culture well. And I can also tell you (with enough experience) that there are some aspects of it that are COMPLETELY INCOMPATIBLE with Islam. Now you seem to hold culture in high regard. In that case, you should exercise extreme caution in making sure that some of the practices do not cause you to transgress the limits of Islam.

You state that your wife must accept what the norms of Pakistani culture are. Would you like for her to be a practicing Muslim as well? I'm sure you would. In that case, which do you prefer she give priority to: culture or religion? If it's the latter, then she is well within her rights to refuse to abide by the rules set by the former. If it's the former, then how can you expect her to teach your children about the true Islam?

Akhi, remember that Islam came to abolish what was before it. This was whatever transgressed the limits set by Allah Subhanu wa Ta'ala. Islam has given us all the rights, rules, and regulations that will make our lives complete and lead us to true happiness. If we continue to adhere to what came before Islam, how are we any better than those who lived in the days of jahilliyah?

 

[Tabassum07]

^ I would also like to add to what the sis said above: IndoPak culture really dictates that all brothers and their wives live together with the parents. To me, liviing with the parents and taking care of them is okay. However living with the parents, as well as other brothers in law, is not.

 

[Abdul25]

^ I would also like to add to what the sis said above: IndoPak culture really dictates that all brothers and their wives live together with the parents. To me, liviing with the parents and taking care of them is okay. However living with the parents, as well as other brothers in law, is not.

@RED :- I totally agree with you . this is what i want to say
@sister shahnaz :- you only got hold of my one word culture and probably didn't read my whole post with concentration . please read it again when you have free time.i also said somethings which you totally ignored and only picked one line of Culture . my post contains many other useful pints and if you can read again .

 

[thariq2005]

But anyhow, some brothers look for someone who can stay at house, look after their elderly parents and then start a family of their own to whom the mother is dedicated 100% with the husband being the sole bread earner.

Wa `alaykkum salaam wa rahmatullaah, jazakAllaahu khairaa. Lol but did you mean to say "brother" instead of "brothers" ?

 

[ShahnazZ]

@sister shahnaz :- you only got hold of my one word culture and probably didn't read my whole post with concentration . please read it again when you have free time.i also said somethings which you totally ignored and only picked one line of Culture . my post contains many other useful pints and if you can read again .

Actually I read your post several times before responding to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me the first time.

You state repeatedly that "your culture this" and "your culture that" as well as state that the norms set by your culture are what it takes to make a real relationship and that lack of those cultural norms would lead to an otherwise insignificant relationship. Am I wrong? This was the notion I responded to.

If this notion was incorrect, please feel free to correct it.

 

[Abdul25]

Actually I read your post several times before responding to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me the first time.

You state repeatedly that "your culture this" and "your culture that" as well as state that the norms set by your culture are what it takes to make a real relationship and that lack of those cultural norms would lead to an otherwise insignificant relationship. Am I wrong? This was the notion I responded to.

If this notion was incorrect, please feel free to correct it.

:salam2:



for me Islam comes first ,my culture is Islam, culture has no value in front of me if it contradicts Islam in any way.actually i didn't write it properly lol my English is not good perhaps lol. my main point was this one

(i love my mother (my father is no more) , so if my wife wants to be close with me or wants me to admire her then she should love and care for my mother. if she doesn't love and care for those whom i love and care ( obviously mahram here ). i am not saying that it is obligatory for her to take care of her mother and father in law but it is a main source for her to get close to her husband if her husband gives preference to this act of hers ).

now am i being wrong in this one also???

 

[ShahnazZ]

for me Islam comes first ,my culture is Islam, culture has no value in front of me if it contradicts Islam in any way.

Correct me if I'm wrong but you earlier said that "in your culture" taking care of the parents was necessary and if the wife doesn't do it, then "in your culture, it's totally unacceptable." This culture is referring to Pakistani culture because you then refer to it as a must in IndoPak society. IndoPak culture is NOT Islam. I'm just paraphrasing what you wrote.

(i love my mother (my father is no more) , so if my wife wants to be close with me or wants me to admire her then she should love and care for my mother. if she doesn't love and care for those whom i love and care ( obviously mahram here ). i am not saying that it is obligatory for her to take care of her mother and father in law but it is a main source for her to get close to her husband if her husband gives preference to this act of hers ).

now am i being wrong in this one also???

I understand that having a wife who would care for your parents as if they were her own would definitely warm your heart. However, to imply that that is the only way she can gain your respect and admiration as well as forming a significant relationship with you is somewhat disturbing. What if she's a good Muslim but states that she isn't comfortable taking care of your parents? Would you shun her for that reason? Would you not respect her or admire her because of that? Would your marriage go downhill from there?

Once again, I understand your desire to have your wife take care of your parents. After all, our parents are more dear to us than any other and we want the best for them. However, it is the SON'S responsibility to care for his parents. Placing that responsibility on a woman looking to create a home with you isn't always fair. She shouldn't have to do your job for you. She also shouldn't have to worry about losing you, your love and your respect if she chooses not to take care of them either.

My advice to you is to be straight and up front about your preference before you get married. Tell her exactly what you would like so she knows what to expect. I hope you find what you're looking for inshallah.

 

[Kakorot]

I'll tell you why some of us are not too keen on taking care of the parent in-laws. Not all of them are like this but a lot of in-laws don't treat their daughter-in-law like their own daughters and treat them like servants. They expect the DILs to do everything and not only obey the husband, but obey them as well. And if the DILs fails to do something then they shout/curse them. And if the wife tells the husband of the ill treatment they are getting from the in-laws, the husband may be mad at her. :S So they won't ever tell their husbands again and keep everything to themselves till they become depressed. It's just mental/emotional abuse and women are very emotional creatures. It's the way Allaah created females. And I don't remember clearly but like the hadeeth goes something like the women is created from Adam's rib and basically if you bend her you will break her or she will break.

@Korai - You are saying your culture is Islam but in Islam it is not the wife's obligation to take care of your parents, that is part of your Asian culture. But your circumstance is understandable because you only have your mum left as a parent. So like you said this is expected in your culture, so it's not like your spouse wouldn't know. But at the same time (I'm not saying your mum's not like this in any way) the MIL has to show thanks and appreciation because no-one would want to care for someone who is mean to them especially if they don't have to.

A man shouldn't be mad at his wife if she doesn't take care of his parents. He should be mad at himself.

 

[Abdul25]

What if she's a good Muslim but states that she isn't comfortable taking care of your parents? Would you shun her for that reason? Would you not respect her or admire her because of that? Would your marriage go downhill from there?

:salam2:

Yes i will shun her, my first and far most priority is my mother then comes my wife. if she cant do it even if she is a good Muslims i cant go with her. this is my personal view and you people have right to disagree .
@sister channa :- yes if my mother is unjust to her or treats her in bad way or curses her or says bad words then i would not support my mother, i am a just man .

 

[ShahnazZ]

Hmm. Okay.

I wish your wife the best of luck.

Just to clarify, I'm not against the concept of HELPING to take care of the mother-in-law. I'm against the concept of "dumping" the mother-in-law entirely on the wife and telling her that she is solely her responsibility and that her love and respect is dependent on how well she carries out this responsibility.

But, hey, that's just me.

 

[ShyHijabi]

So let me get this straight, you would marry a wife simply as your mother's nursemaid? Why not care for your mother yourself? Afterall she gave birth to you, fed you her milk, and cared for you while sick. It seems some men want to foist their obligations onto their wife as opposed to actually doing all the work themselves. The obligations that are fard in Islam.

Hmmm. Interesting.

Will the the husband in return, care for his in-laws the same way? If his father-in-law needs someone to feed him, clothe him, and maybe even bathe him? (if he is disabled due to age/stroke/etc) From what I've witnessed there seems to be a great inequality of what is expected of daughter-in-laws vs. son-in-laws. The irony of this fact is Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) took care of his in-laws but I read nothing of his wives having to care for his relatives. Yet there is this prevailing belief that women are obligated ot care for their in-laws.

Culture clearly wins out over deen in some people's mind, despite their vehement denial of this fact.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Wa `alaykkum salaam wa rahmatullaah, jazakAllaahu khairaa. Lol but did you mean to say "brother" instead of "brothers" ?

:salam2:

I thought what we discuss on messengers stays 'private'. :wink:

But yes, I am referring to that 'brother' in addition to a few other I know who have the similar ideas. And that's all I have to say regarding this matter.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

Kadijah (RA) did not quite her business and simply stay locked up in the house, she continued runnig her business as well as became the model female for all Muslimahs.

:salam2:

The example of Khadeejah RadiAllahu Anha is different from the women who go to a 8 to 5 workplace for 5 days a week. Nor are women taking up jobs where they are really required to. Rather they are taking up jobs in order to accumulate money and ignoring their responsibilities as mothers and wives.

While some Muslim men are of the mindset that a wife's obligation is to care for her in-laws this has absolutely no basis in Islam. Quite the opposite, it is the SON who is expected to care for his parents, it's fard. Too many men think of a wife as a servant and housemaid instead of a partner in his life. Some seem to specifically desire an uneducated woman so his fragile ego can handle the burden. Our men should be stronger than this.

Not every woman who is a home maker thinks that she is a maid. Let us not paint everyone's treatment of their 'housewife' as maids.

My mother looked after the need of my grandfather for 6-7 years and never complained to my father. My grandfather would treat my mother as his daughter and they got along quite well Alhamdulillah. Apart from that, my mother stayed home happily with us kids, even though she had a high level of education that was unheard of in her time period (she has a MA in History and Economics MashaAllah) in our culture.

Yet my mother has never expressed any displeasure of what my father asked her of. Nor does she think that she is a house maid. Infact she loves taking care of our house and doing her house chores.

Maybe the culture that you were brought up in, makes you feel that a stay home wife has to carry out duty of a house servant and thus it makes her a 'maid'. But this is not seen in the same light in many cultures and countries.

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

It is not the culture. You can not say this culture makes a woman bad and this makes her good. That is too easy.

This subject is about good suitors. The brothers need to do their part to find good sisters. The sisters are doing everything they must and more.

In the US society women have to work. They have to help pay bills. Not every job has the luxury of working with women only. The Muslim woman who works is aware of how she must guard her modesty more. She is aware of the responsibility placed upon her.

Does any woman really want to work. After a couple of decades no.

Lets go back to the topic.

 

[BrotherInIslam7]

:salam2:

To the sisters who are arguing about muslim husbands who ask their wives to look after their mothers (family) after marriage. Let's read what was Jabir RadiAllahu Anhu's criteria for choosing a spouse :-


The Prophet SAW asked Jabir RadiAllahu Anhu, "Did you get married?" He said, ‘Yes.’ The Prophet SAW said, who did you marry? He replied, an older previously married woman.

The Prophet said, " why not a virgin that you may be playful (tula’ib) with her and she will be playful with you? " He said, “Oh Messenger of Allah my father passed away and left 7 daughters, and in another narration, 9 daughters, and I hated to come to them with a foolish girl, in their age, but I wanted to marry an older wise woman who can comb their hair and take care of them.”

The Prophet SAW said, “You have done well,” and in a narration, “May Allah bless you.”

So Jabir RadiAllahu Anhu married a woman who would 'take care' of his sisters, for which he even compromised marrying a young virgin girl, whom he could have married, had he chosen to.

Yet he wanted his future wife to be mature and take care of his sisters and he specifically said 'combing their hairs', which signifies that his wife would be serving his sisters.

Was his wife obliged to serve Jabir RadiAllahu Anhu's sisters ? Or was it Jabir RadiAllahu Anhu's duty to take care of his family ?

Did the Prophet SAW praise or criticize his criteria for choosing a spouse ?

I believe my point in quite clear.

Wasalaamalaykum waa rahmatullahi

 

[Ahsen]

Well,let's hope everyone gets a good,pious spouse.

No tensions.

 

[ShyHijabi]

:salam2:

In my first marriage my father-in-law lived with us and we got along smashingly. He was kind and truly treated me as his own daughter, so obviously I don't personally have an issue with this. I am a child of the West and never had a problem with taking care of my former in-laws...but then they were kind to me.

But I personally know a lot of sisters who've married and live with their in-laws and are treated horribly. Sadly they were chosen for marriage to act as a free nursemaid to their in-laws and their value was measured strictly off their obedience to their in-laws. This is not Islamic but cultural in nature. A husband is supposed to be a garment unto his wife, her protector.

If the brothers here were married simply because the wife wanted someone to be her parents nursemaid I hardly think it would be viewed in the same light. The Qur'an is specific about the obligations of a person to care for their own parents, not their in-laws. Is it a praiseworthy behavior to care for one's in-laws, of course. Is it fard? Not from the evidence I've read so far.

 

[justoneofmillion]

:salam2::salam2: well I dont have a mother and i think Sisters should choose someone like me to fix the problem,I have double care to give, double attention,double love and double money..lol.I never minded Four...(Just joking don t yell at me brothers and sisters).Alas, too bad for the sisters am already given ,i found my pearl Alhamdulillah and she is my second love after Allah swt ,i wouldn t change her for the world, she is second to none down here after chicken wings and couscous.Hope she never read this.I love you all for the sake of Allah swt.Brother7 no ill thoughts it s been three days just a matter of concepts Akhi.May Allah reward you on this blessed Jumua.Now brothers and sisters get back to your frowned postings.
wassalam
wassalam

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I pray the sweet sisters find a good man. And nothing is as difficult as one makes it. So what...tend to his family. If that is the way to heaven I'll take him momma, sister, grandma, great aunt.

Pride is a useless emotion.

What everyone is forgetting is piety. We are stuck on money and prestige. Whatever that is.

I know some good brothers who are pious and hard working..they ain't doctors and thank god they are not lawyers or stock brokers. What that has to do with ones heart is beyond me. If he is a good man..marry him.

Life is a little tough on your own.

 

[Abdul25]

:salam2:

I dont understand one thing .pious men are looking for pious women and pious women are looking for pious men , When on both sides we have search going on then where is the missing connection or link ? is it the pride or personal priorities or cultural differences or it is sth else or just too much demands from both sides