Revert needing help please

Discussion in 'Introduce Yourself!' started by k1989, Apr 29, 2012.

  1. k1989
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    k1989 Member

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    Assalam-Aliykum

    If anybody could help I would really appreciate it.

    I come from a non religious family and two and a half years ago married a muslim man, who i now have a daughter with. Over the past few months I have been reading his Quran and studying Islam online and two months ago decided to revert and took my Shahadah. Since then i am finding it really hard and feel as though everybody including my husband has turned against me. My family had no real reaction when i told them I was muslim and didn't seem to mind, until they realized I was going to wear hijab. My father and grandparents will not speak to me and my mother asks that I walk away from her so that nobody knows we are together. She says white people should not be wearing this. Even my husband seems to have a problem with me and he is a muslim. When I told him i wanted to revert he was happy ,but as the weeks have gone on he has become irritated with me, as he barely practiced Islam before. When I ask him anything about Islam he says he doesn't have time to tell me. He tells me to stop wearing my abaya when i go out because he doesn't like it and says i can wear a head scarf with jeans and a longer top,but I believe i shouldn't be showing the shape of my legs. When I ask him to pray he says he is too tired and if I want him to pray I have to go to work instead of him (I currently stay at home and look after our 5 month daughter).
    We were happily married before I reverted with no problems at all. Now his favorite phrase is " you are a muslim wife now ,so if you don't do as I say your going to hell" .I'm not talking about disobeying him with things I should be doing. I cook clean ,look after the home and our daughter etc. He says this when I won't remove my abaya or if i ask him to hold our baby so i can pray and he refuses . I have tried talking to him about how I feel and said he should be happy i'm trying to practice Islam properly and the response I got was that if he knew i was going to convert and become soo religious he would not have married me.

    My questions are if my husband does not change and start practicing Islam am I allowed to stay with him, because i love him alot and really don't want to divorce and secondly when we married we tattooed each others names on our wrists. We have looked into removing them but cannot afford to at the moment as we were quoted thousands for us both to have them removed and we have very little spare money. My husband is saying that my prayers are not accepted with this tattoo and that when i reverted I was not forgiven for this because it says Mohammud and if it was another name i would have been forgiven. He also says if I die with this on my wrist it will be burning in my grave and I will go to hell. I don't know what to do as i can't afford to laser it off. Is this true ?
    Sorry for such a long message I don't know where else to ask. Our mosque does not allow women.
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  2. Idris16
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    Idris16 Junior Member

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    wa alaykum salam warahmatullah wabarakatuh

    Im happy Allaah guided you to islam, Alhamdulillah.

    Just divorce him!!

    He is probably a kafir, even if he has a Muslim name, Muslim parents, comes from a Muslim country.

    I know it's hard, but he doesn't deserve to be married to you.
  3. alkathiri
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    alkathiri As-Shafaa'i(Brother)

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    Waalaykumsalam Warahmatullah

    1) Disobediance to Husband is acceptable when it involves disobediance to Allah. Allah takes precedence .

    2) Some scholars have ruled that it is fine not to remove tattoo since the process to remove the tattoo is very painful, much less praying with one . It is definitely not true that your wrist will be burn in hell because of the tattoo. All your sins are forgiven when you became a muslim ( even with a tattoo), there's not a shadow of doubt on that.

    3) Regarding woman going to masjid, it is always sad when we hear stories of masjid not welcoming women. This is contrary to what the prophet( peace be upon him) taught. He said "Do not prevent your women from going to the mosque, even though their houses are better for them." (Reported by Abu Dawud in al-Sunan, Baab maa jaa’a fee khurooj al-nisaa’ ilaa’l-masjid: Baab al-tashdeed fee dhaalik. See also Saheeh al-Jaami‘, no. 7458).

    4) Make dua for your husband. Know that Allah is All-hearing. May Allah make things easy for you.
  4. Itqan Ullah
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    Itqan Ullah Time is Running!!

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    Walikeumasslam warahmatullahi wabrakatu,
    Welcome to our family of Islam and our small family at TTI.
    Its really sad to hear about your situation, may Allah (swt) make your path easy for you. Allah (swt) tests his servants with difficulties, please be patient and Dont Give UP !!

    I request you to please go through the story of aminah assilmi (may Allah (swt) have mercy on her) it will Inshallah give you some strength & Inspiration:
    http://www.whyislam.org/spiritual-journeys/aminah-assilmi/

    Also Plz watch!:

    [yt]psKnh4ld_yk[/yt]


    Regarding your husband, plz tell him that Allah (swt) has more right over you than him , your parents or anybody else so In no way you can afford to disobey Allah(swt) to please him. Be strong and patient, persist in advising him giving refrences from Quran and sunnah, jurispudence from scholars, etc.
  5. salahdin
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    salahdin Junior Member

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    Dear sister this hadith is enough for you as an answer

    It was narrated that ‘Amr ibn al-‘Aas said: When Allah put Islam in my heart, I went to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) and said: “Give me your right hand so that I may give you my oath of allegiance.” So he held out his hand, but I held my hand back. He said, “What is the matter, O ‘Amr?” I said, “I want to make a condition.” He said, “What is your condition?” I said, “That I be forgiven.” He said, “Do you not know that Islam wipes out whatever came before it, and that hijrah (migration for the sake of Allaa) wipes out whatever came before it, and that Hajj wipes out whatever came before it?”

    So dear sister let him not intimidate you with hell.He knows that you are on the right path and he is on wrong path and that makes him defensive in every way. Dont be amazed . You can pray, do wudhu and do all your Islamic duties even if you have tattoos.(cant afford to remove it but if you can remove it thats something else). This is because Islam erases all sins that a non Muslim committed before he or she became a Muslim.So one should not feel doomed because they committed this mistake when they were in days of Jahilia (ignorance).

    Allah says

    “Except those who repent and believe (in Islamic Monotheism), and do righteous deeds; for those, Allah will change their sins into good deeds, and Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”

    [al-Furqaan 25:70]



    The Prophet said:

    "The best among you is the one who is the best towards his wife"


    Hadith - Muslim, #3466



    Hadith - Muslim, #3468

    Abu Huraira reported Allah's Apostle as saying: He who believes in Allah and the Hereafter, if he witnesses any matter he should talk in good terms about it or keep quiet. Act kindly towards woman, for woman is created from a rib, and the most crooked part of the rib is its top. If you attempt to straighten it, you will break it, and if you leave it, its crookedness will remain there. So act kindly towards women.

    Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #605, Narrated Aisha

    The Prophet said, "The marriage which produces most blessing is that which involves least burden."


    Hadith - Al-Tirmidhi #3254, Narrated Anas ibn Malik

    Allah's Messenger said, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of Paradise she wishes."
  6. Hajjerr
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    Hajjerr He is Dhul-Jalali Wal-Ikram

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    Salam aleikum wa rahmatulahy wa barakatuh

    Dear sister, i am happy for you that you reverted, alhamdullilah, i am revert also raised in a christian family, hade no support for islam.
    Allah knows best our destiny and the lessons we need to learn in order to become thankfull when we are guided.

    "Say (O Muhammad to mankind): If you (really) love Allaah, then follow me (i.e. accept Islamic Monotheism, follow the Qur'aan and the Sunnah), Allaah will love you and forgive you your sins. And Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." [Aal ‘Imraan 3:31]

    Islam teaches us that wife can disobey her housband if this asks her to act agaisnt islam, i know can be confusing....not having support from noone and acting against their wishes one can feel guilty....but he have to hold on..inchallah. Pray for your housband if you say you love him and do your best, the last solution can be divorce if there is no other way. A pious wife is for a pious housband.

    Allah told us we all are tested, so i pray you have patience and imaan.

    “And certainly, We shall test you with a bit of fear, hunger, loss of wealth, lives and fruits. But give glad tidings to the patient ones who, when afflicted with a calamity, say: “Truly! To Allah we belong and truly, to Him we shall return.” They are those upon whom are the blessings, descend from their Lord, and they receive His Mercy, and it is they who are guided.” (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:155-157)


    :salam2:
  7. ShyHijabi
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    :salam2:

    Wow! It seems your husband is woefully ignorant concerning the tenets of this own faith. He is so quick to claim this or that will send you to hell when in fact it would appear his actions and inactions (not to mention words) are paving his way to hell with great alacrity.

    First of all, when you take shahada every sin...EVERY SIN...is washed away. You are as pure and sinless as your baby was the day of her birth. So this means that tattoo is as if it never happened. Allah knows your heart and your intentions and knows you desire to remove the tattoo. So until you have the funds to have it lasered off, know that Allah is quick to excuse any thing that is forbidden in Islam but you are unable to change.

    As far as you dressing Islamically, a husband cannot make demands that run counter to Islam. The Qur'an is very clear that a woman is to cover her adornments and conceal the shape of her body when out and about. I am perplexed that your husband does not have the natural jealousy that most men have when other men look at their wife. Why would he desire other men to see your shape? He is extremely confused and misled.

    If your mosque does not allow women then it is the wrong place for you. Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) strictly forbid Muslims from preventing women from attending the mosque. In your case it is vital you find other Muslim sisters to learn from and also to surround yourself with believers. It can be an extremely lonely and frustrating time when a revert first tries to make their own way. When I converted I lost the support of my family and almost all my friends. To compound my isolation I had recently moved to a nation that was 100% Christian. There were classmates at my school who were Muslim which helped but a lot of my learning had to be done alone. Once I moved back to the states things got a little better but I often dealt with Muslims ignorant to their own religion and instead confused cultural practices with belief.

    Sorry to write a book but I wanted to extend a helpful hand and let you know you are not alone. Please feel free to view the videos and writings on the areas of this board that break down our beliefs.
  8. Aapa
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    Aapa Mirajmom

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    Assalaam walaikum,

    First welcome home.

    A new baby and a turkey for a husband. You have your hands full. But, you are not alone. Remember that, you are not alone. I want you to keep writing to us. There is always some here.

    Part of the problem is the change in the relationship with the addition of the child. Many fathers get jealous. You wouldn't think it..but they do. He is no longer the center of your world.

    Give him a little time. And yourself, too. Place the baby on the prayer rug as you pray. Or sit on a chair and hold the baby as you pray...be creative. Give him a lot of space. Ignore him.

    You have a lot on your agenda and you can not tackle everything. You know your family. Love them, but put a distance. I know it almost kills you to see those who should love you and they act like fools.

    Yes, there are men who feel so masculine when they have a beautiful woman. It adds to their testosterone level. But, you must cover.

    Allah subhana wa taala will provide paths for you. May He ease your burden. Concentrate on seeking Knowledge and your baby.

    There are wonderful e-books all over this site, they will help you.

    The sisters will help you, feel free to PM me should you wish.

    But, welcome home.
  9. Idris16
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    Idris16 Junior Member

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    Your husband turned against you because you found islam. He's ignorant.

    He doesnt have knowledge about islam.

    There's no obedience to the creation if it means disobedience to the Creator, may Allaah bless you, sadly your "husband" is a Dayyouth (cuckold).

    It was narrated by al-Nasaa’i (2562) from ‘Abd-Allah ibn ‘Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “There are three at whom Allah, may He be glorified and exalted, will not look on the Day of Resurrection: the one who is defiant towards his parents, the woman who imitates men, and the cuckold.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Saheeh al-Nasaa’i.

    The cuckold is the one who approves of evil conduct in his family. http://islamqa.com/en/ref/162851/diyaathah

    He is ignorant, it's clear that man hates islam.

    An amazing fatwa, you must read it: http://islamqa.com/en/ref/115985/prays Muslim christian

    She has a tattoo from before she was Muslim

    Generally we have many fake imams everywhere, so yeah... I am sorry if I sound harsh but you dont deserve to be married with a jerk like him.
  10. mohammadyunus
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    mohammadyunus Junior Member

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    To tell you the truth,
    since your husband is such as you describe him is ACTUALLY blessing in disguise for you, sister.

    HOW ??

    Just so you know , a pious muslim would never marry outside the fold of islam but he married you because he is not pious.

    Secondly,

    This has helped you marry the love of your life and unintentionally paved your way to the truth.

    So even though he is sinful in neglecting his islamic duties ( remember that we, each and every one of us muslim is sinful less or more and that we will be successful ONLY through the mercy of Allah ) , he has been your rope to Islam.

    Allah works in mysterious ways to give guidance. So you should be thankful to Allah and seek His mercy for yourself and for your husband.

    Now, through your husband Allah has guided you to islam, it is now YOUR DUTY to make him adhere to path of islam.

    Wouldnt it be selfish to leave him after he has shown you the path, to walk on that path and leave your husband behind ??

    Everything requires effort and struggle and Allah grants His mercy on those who struggle in His path.

    So ,
    What say ??
  11. Aziboy
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    Aziboy Banned

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    Assalam Alaykum dear sister,

    Our fellas have given you the best answers for your problems as per their ability.

    All I would suggest you is to keep an extreme patience and consult to your local Salafi Imam and/or Scholars.

    Please don't give up sister, this could be your source and opportunity of Salvation.

    May ALLAH [swt] keeps you steadfast.......Ameen!!!
  12. um muhammad al-mahdi
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    um muhammad al-mahdi لا اله الا الله محمد رسول الله Staff Member

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    assalamu alaykum sis K1989,

    welcome to TurnToIslam mashaAllah!

    Where do you live sister? If I can ask.

    jazakillahu khayran
  13. kashif_nazeer
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    kashif_nazeer ~~~Alhamdulillah~~~

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    Assalamu 'alaikum
    Welcome to Islam and TTI.
    The brothers and sisters here have given you a good advice
    ma sha' Allah.
    Islam wipes all previous sins,as can be determined from the hadith that brothers and sisters have posted.
    All of us go through tests in life.Times when our faith and conviction are tested.We have to hold on strongly to patience and prayer in those time,also use our wisdom to tackle such situations.
    I am not a scholar not even a student of knowledge so I cannot advice anything,but I would never advice divorce to anyone,unless it is absolutely necessary which only a scholar can tell,if it is.
    Your situation is really difficult subhanAllah.It's a pity your husband is talking about you going to hell for obeying Allah,while he is disobeying Allah.May Allah guide him.Ameen.
    Allah does not give anyone a burden beyond what one can bear.Everything happens for a reason.
    It's a test for you,may Allah make it easy for you.Ameen.
  14. muhammad sabri
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    muhammad sabri Junior Member

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    :salam2: Dear sister,
    I'm going to keep it simple and tell you how your situation look like in my point of view:

    1 Your family MUST respect your choice(like your mother and father and so on) and you should try and talk to them to let them understand the importance of your choice by telling them for example that you didn't revert because of your husband(which is actually going against your choice)

    2. By your description your husband is a muslim just by name,everything that you said he does goes ALL OF IT against islamic principles of peace, respect and love so i suggest to seriously talk to him and if he really insist in his behavious and doesn't change then divorce and God will be with you rest assured :)

    3 ALL SINS AND MISTAKES DONE BEFORE REVERTING ARE ALL CANCELED so, if you can't afford to cancel the tattoo NOW it's ok, and i repeat it IT'S ABSOLUTELY OK because your intention is to remove but you don't have the means and that doesn't depend on you, for God judges by intentions and your not going to go ''to hell'' because of that.

    4. If you disobey your husband you go to hell..what a MONSTRUOUS LIE!! I feel so angry because of the lie that are being said to you dear sister, the truth is that your husband deserves to be disobeyed becuse obedience in islam regarding marriages is not OBEDIENCE like a slave and the master but is very different: you can ''OBEY'' the husband when he GENTLY ASK YOU A FAVOUR like: ''can you wash the dishes please''? but not orders. it's just like a son or daughter: an obedient son is the son that is gentle and lives an active and positive relationship with the parent, but that doesn't mean that you have to OBEY him that's that cultural preconcept and if your husband doesn't stop than he is the one who is going to go to hell not you darling,the sweetness patience and gentleness in which you described your hard situation is a clear proof for the reason God chose you to be a muslimah :) you have a good heart and even if the tests of this life are hard you are surely(god-willing) going to succeed just remember to talk with Allah in the same way in which you would talk to your father or a friend :) and HE is Light and Peace

    5.Lastly i think you're in love with your past husband,but the fact that he cant support you in achoice that should be his choice means that he's weak and that he doesn't deserve you dear sister, regarding prayers if he doesn't want to keep your son during prayer than you keep him and even if you're a little bit distracted it's ok youre going to be rewarder for that(god willing).
    And if you need any help regarding understanding go to a near mosque if there is one and be strong and patient :) please tell how things proceed and may Allah be with you and bless you by easening your test. And remember to have faith in God and your self also :)

    With love Sabri

    Peace

    ----And Allah knows best--
  15. sclavus
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    sclavus Junior Member

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    Praise to the Lord,

    First of all: welcome to the forums good sister, and congratulations!

    You feel deeply inside that your life has changed for ever, you know for sure that it's going to be tough but you are determined to go through it no matter what it should cost because it's the way to salvation. You feel it in your guts, you see it clearly like the sunrise but mysteriously the others don't understand..

    Posts #6, #8 and #13 are most beneficial, read them once again.

    To what has been already answered I would like to add the following:

    1. Your obedience to your husband is limited by two things: The compliance of his requests with the Islamic teachings and your personal ability to obey.

    2. The great Muslim scholars do not all agree that a Muslim who does not pray is a disbeliever, and those who say so like Ibn Taymiah, state that if they pray from time to time they are not disbelievers.

    3. You'll need some reading to prove your point when the others disagree and I recommend:

    "The shine of the Creed" is a booklet on monotheism written by Ibn Qudama. There is a thread where you can listen to it's explanation by a student of knowledge in Detroit, Michigan.
    http://turntoislam.com/forum/showthread.php?t=80889

    "The Prophet's Prayer" is a good read that I recommend to everybody:
    http://www.fatwa-online.com/downloads/dow004/prophetsprayer.chm.

    "The Hijab .. Why ?" by the late Dr. Saleh As-Saleh.
    http://www.islamhouse.com/p/51783.

    You'll also need tons of patience and self-control. Whenever you talk to those who disagree with you, keep cool. Don't argue to the point you feel an urge to explode, stop it well before that. You'll also need tons of prayers and we'll help you with that. You'll have a lot of questions, ask'em!


    Assalaamo alaykom.
  16. k1989
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    k1989 Member

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    Thank you brothers and sisters for all your advice

    After several more comments from my husband last night, I read some of your advice to him, which perhaps wasn't the best idea and he couldn't believe what had been written by some people. Firstly he banned me from using the internet and then said we were going to move back to his home country where he said I would respect him more. However this morning he got up with me to do the fajr , which I haven't seen him do since we married. He has apologized and said he will try and he believes Allah swt intention was for me to guide him back to Islam.He also said this morning that he wants to grow his beard back. I hope he is sincere and this is not something that will last just a few days. Thank you again for all your helpful comments.
  17. elqouds2020
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    elqouds2020 Junior Member

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    بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
    السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
    إذا كنت تحبين زوجك فلا تدعيه يذهب إلى الجحيم و كوني له أرضا يكون لك سماء و بالتضرع و الدعاء إلى الله في جوف الليل و طلب الهداية من الله.
  18. elqouds2020
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    elqouds2020 Junior Member

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    In the name of God the Merciful
    Peace, mercy and blessings of Allah
    If you love your husband does not claim to go to hell and being his land and sky have you Baltdhara and pray to God in the middle of the night and ask for guidance from God.
  19. um muhammad al-mahdi
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    um muhammad al-mahdi لا اله الا الله محمد رسول الله Staff Member

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    :salam2:

    inshaAllah khayr! Make lots of du'as for him.

    jazakillahu khayran
  20. Itqan Ullah
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    Itqan Ullah Time is Running!!

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    Good to hear the latter part atleast, if your husband clings to 5 pillars of Islam, he deserves the best treatment from you, even if you dislike everything else about him.
    OK lets try to fix the situtation,
    I believe If you instead of arguing with your husband can sit with him on some holiday and watch these clips and lectures it may help a lil bit more Inshalllah:

    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c5m4Ja4RHM[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l8TFHiqdL4A[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gA6BucZ0Nf0[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SBg5RUYw4SA[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eCmCQNKT7y0[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYzpwU1zotg[/ame]

    Ok that might be just enough for a kick start now we can progress to importance of Salah (prayer):

    [ame]www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDvd3EjMQ58[/ame]
    [ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WnBThOplyCQ[/ame] (really Nice lecture)

    If everything works out well, here are resources you can continue from :) :
    http://www.youtube.com/user/OneWayToParadise/videos
    http://www.youtube.com/user/QuranWeekly
    http://qsep.com/

    I pray to Allah (swt) to keep both of you steadfast upon deen. :)

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