Lack of Good Suitors

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Shahnaz...let the old one explain why men like younger things...

Young girls are cute. They are happy. You can take a young girl on a carnival ride and she is thrilled. A more mature woman demands much more.

I always think of the wives of the Prophet, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him.

I am always amused by the youngest. She was a test to him. Here is the Prophet of Allah, the Mercy to mankind, and his wife sleeps and lets the goats eat the dough. She is busy with her dolls and jewelry. She weeps when her feelings get hurt. etc. etc. She was a joy to him.

However, when the Prophet of Allah, may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon him, was in need of understanding it was the older woman. The one who knew the affairs of the world and how to be a successful person.

Here we have two examples to follow. A young wife will make you happy. She will sport with you, I believe are the famous words. An older woman will support you.

The choice is there.

Too, there is nothing in Islam that states women have to marry older men. Women can marry younger men.

As I wrote before why are you guys limiting yourselves.

 

[Abdul25]

Assalaam walaikum,

Shahnaz...let the old one explain why men like younger things...

Young girls are cute. They are happy. You can take a young girl on a carnival ride and she is thrilled. A more mature woman demands much more.

A young wife will make you happy. She will sport with you,

MashAllah aapa tussi great ho :lol: you have spoken what i was about to say . thats why WE want to marry someone near 20's. WE can marry only once then why not marry some one who can be molded in what WE think is best for me and for my family.

thanx for understanding and putting your thoughts that are always helpful

 

[ShahnazZ]

thats why WE want to marry someone near 20's.

Actually it's the girls in their early 20s that I'm talking about. THEY'RE the ones that are watching guys in their mid and late 20s go after 17 and 18 year olds.

WE can marry only once then why not marry some one who can be molded in what WE think is best for me and for my family.

A. I'm not sure what makes you think a 20 and up year old can be "molded". At least not as much as a teenager.

B. I can't help but ask and so I'm going to attempt to word my question as objectively as possible: Does a woman exist only so that a man can mold her into what he wants?

If you don't like her personality, don't marry her. Go in search of the one who does have the qualities you're looking for. Why all this "molding" business? I mean is she a person or a piece of dough?

Before someone jumps on the offensive, I'm not trying to start a commotion or anything but seriously interested in understanding different ways of thinking between the genders.

 

[Tabassum07]

^ I agree with sis Shanazz says. MashaAllah sis, you're wise

I can't help thinking that if all guys think like bro Korai, then what will happen to the girls over 19 years old? Poor them? I wonder its their fault that they aren't young?

And please don't take this offensively - I'm just asking an innocent question. Thank Allah that our beloved Rasool (SAW) didn't have this mentality where he wanted to marry girls just so he could "mould" them.

 

[Ahsen]

Every man&woman have to change some of their behaviour when they get married.Moulding is something totally different.If it means giving up the person's own nature and personality then it's wrong.

 

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o alaikum,

Just to shed some light on the topic of "Molding", im sure most of the people are aware that women are made from a man's rib which gives her certain characteristics, so i just want the brothers in particular to read these hadith

AbuHuraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying: Woman is like a rib. When you attempt to straighten it, you would break it. And if you leave her alone you would benefit by her, and crookedness will remain in her. A hadith like this is reported by another chain of narrators
[Muslim ::*!Book 8 : Hadith 3466 ]

Narrated Abu Huraira:*!

Allah 's Apostle said, "Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely."*!
[Bukhari :: Book 4 :: Volume 55 :: Hadith*!548]

So brothers dont marry with the intention that you are going to "mold" the women into something you want, instead you should find a spouse who you feel is more compatible for you.

Regarding marrying young women, i think the main thing is that young women are more active and playful with men, and probably also the "cute" factor as explained by aapa.

But for me, if the person is older the women has more respect for him, and the women looks up to him instead of being the other way around, so it benefit both cuz it tend to reside with the nature of men and women.

@ sister Tabassum07, not every guy wants a 20 year old, but someone who is younger than him, but its best for women to get married young around their early 20 or late teens, in my point of view.
May Allah (swt) bless everyone with pious spouses - ameen

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Thank god there are men who can think out there.

Age is not an issue in Islam. It is cultural. We have repeated instances of this in both the Quran and the Sunna.

Sisters..there are many American revert brothers who are not so hung up on the age thing. Thats a wide open door...someone who understands you...you do not have to change and someone you can chill with.

 

[ahmed_indian]

You will not believe the stories I have to tell - I have had people tell me that since I desire deen over dunya, I should get ready to have a husband who will scold me, not let me leave the house even for a bit, hit me (and that I deserve to be hit if I marry for deen.)

how many times prophet (peace be upon him) scold his wives (ra)?

were they not allowed to go out?

how many times were they beaten?

*mad* and *angry* over those people who have given their *advices* to you. it can be called "dog in the manger" mentality. neither marry deeni person nor let others to marry deeni ones too.

 

[ahmed_indian]

thats why WE want to marry someone near 20's. WE can marry only once then why not marry some one who can be molded in what WE think is best for me and for my family.

bhai...bhai...i want to disagree with you.

not all young girls can be *molded* into the nature you want. some could give you a serious head-ache. lol

it all depends on one's nature. how can we say that girls in late 20's are not good enough? also, i dont think molding one's spouse in needed for a good and healthy realtionship. why cant she have her own unique personality? its all about having same chemistry and high comfort level between them.

 

[ahmed_indian]

Actually it's the girls in their early 20s that I'm talking about. THEY'RE the ones that are watching guys in their mid and late 20s go after 17 and 18 year olds.

if a man is in late 20's, what problem do he have to marry someone in 20's. strange right?

if someone in late 20's or 30's is mad over to marry a teen, let him look at his passport and calculate his age. he is no more a teen......he is now a mature man.

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

Sons...read your Islamic history.

Sisters...tell your parents there are intelligent and pious Muslim men outside the home country.

This is a classic example of cultural myopia..very anti-Islamic.

 

[Moonlight_88]

Sisters...tell your parents there are intelligent and pious Muslim men outside the home country.

Mashallah you mentioned a very good point. Islamically you do not have to restrict yourself to your own culture. You should choose a spouse because of his/her deen and how compatible he/she is. At the same time, there is nothing wrong with marrying within your own culture too. Always looks for the qualities in a person that will help you in this dunya and akhira.

MashAllah sister you seem experienced, inshAllah us young ones can always learn from your experience and naseeha when dealing with issues of marriage.

There is always issue of racial differences for some people when searching for a spouse but lets remember the most beautiful words of Mohammad Sallalaho alahe wasalam mentioned in his last sermon: 'all mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by Taqwa (piety and good action)'.

Wasallam

 

[Valerie]

There is always issue of racial differences for some people when searching for a spouse but lets remember the most beautiful words of Mohammad Sallalaho alahe wasalam mentioned in his last sermon: 'all mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by Taqwa (piety and good action)'.

:salam2:

Jazakallah Khair. I had nearly forgotten about that sermon, and that was the biggest reason I started looking into Islam.

:tti_sister:

 

[Perseveranze]

MashAllah aapa tussi great ho :lol: you have spoken what i was about to say . thats why WE want to marry someone near 20's. WE can marry only once then why not marry some one who can be molded in what WE think is best for me and for my family.

thanx for understanding and putting your thoughts that are always helpful

:salam2: Brother, in a equal sense, it is sometimes man/husband that needs molding.

There is always issue of racial differences for some people when searching for a spouse but lets remember the most beautiful words of Mohammad Sallalaho alahe wasalam mentioned in his last sermon: 'all mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by Taqwa (piety and good action)'.

Wasallam

:salam2:

Very well said brother, this is why I hate traditions and cultures(that interefere with Islam). I feel for people that are forced to follow such regulations or are taught in such manners; I am thankful that my family and mother, despite having traditions/culture do not let any of that interefere with the teachings of Islam.

My mother would rather say to her son, find not a woman from the same race, but a woman who you would happily spend the rest of your life with. When it comes to finding a spouse, thats all that should matter.

 

[slaveofAllah88]

aslam o aliakum

we all gave our opinion wat is the solution to the problem we have in the muslim society?

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

I asked for a scholars opinion and nothing.

Solution: marriage websites. Do it on your own. Your parents have a fair skinned US citizen Harvard educated Sunni who is beautiful..to wed a fair skinned PH.D or MD with a Mercedes, A Lexus,

So go figure..these parents want it all..this has nothing to do with Islam. Suggest a Black Muslim from Harlem to be a good suitor for their fair skinned daughter and be ready to call 911.

Until the children say no to the ridiculous demands of the parents it is stale-mate. The racism of Muslims shines.

 

[Moonlight_88]

Very well said brother, this is why I hate traditions and cultures(that interefere with Islam). I feel for people that are forced to follow such regulations or are taught in such manners; I am thankful that my family and mother, despite having traditions/culture do not let any of that interefere with the teachings of Islam.

My mother would rather say to her son, find not a woman from the same race, but a woman who you would happily spend the rest of your life with. When it comes to finding a spouse, thats all that should matter.

I am glad we have Muslim families who understand Deen in the right manner and prioritise deen over culture. Its all about the right god fearing person. Btw i am a sister.

Jazakallah Khair. I had nearly forgotten about that sermon, and that was the biggest reason I started looking into Islam.

No problem ukthi, Mashallah the last sermon contains very beautiful words full of wisdom, only if the ummah followed them then we wouldn't be feeling so lost.

aslam o aliakum

we all gave our opinion wat is the solution to the problem we have in the muslim society?

Wa'alikumsallam

well we have to follow the teachings of our deen firmly and revive them in our households. inshallah slowly we can make a change and hopefully our communities will strive towards the deen more and understand it better. There is no quick sloution to this dilemma globally but like they say 'little drops make an ocean'. Inshallah the state of the ummah will improve but we need to firmly work towards acheiving our goals.

Ma sallamah

 

[Aapa]

Assalaam walaikum,

In the early days marriage was simple. You married and went on with life.

These days people want it all. Marriage brings blessings and that is what we need to remember.

 

[Moonlight_88]

Assalaam walaikum,

In the early days marriage was simple. You married and went on with life.

These days people want it all. Marriage brings blessings and that is what we need to remember.

Wa'alikumsallam

Ukthi your correct, simplicity is loved and encouraged by our beautiful deen. When you lose simplicity thats what happens. Some people's minds get busy thinking about things that are irrelevant to please society. Hence the barakah is lost, but only if we did things to please Allah subhana wa-ta'ala, then the situation of the ummah would be alot better.

 

[BHARAK]

:salam2:

I dont understand one thing .pious men are looking for pious women and pious women are looking for pious men , When on both sides we have search going on then where is the missing connection or link ? is it the pride or personal priorities or cultural differences or it is sth else or just too much demands from both sides

Salam Alaykum

I think there should be an enabling platform to fix the missing link.