Asalaamu alaikum wa rahmatulahi wa barakatu…
I need to say right now that this post may be controversial to some, and for that I apologize profusely but I’m being drawn to talk, and I need to talk to my brothers and sisters, not to coworkers or friends who “know me” and who say they understand but they really don’t. And I’m pretty certain none of you here, as well-meaning as you may be, can fully understand either. But please – forgive me if I offend anyone, as that is not my intent.
Here goes (feel free to run now!)
I am a 44 year old brother who like most Americans is of mixed heritage. In 1984 when I was 19 years old I came out of the closet as gay. I was an “in your face” homosexual, I attended parades, wore pink triangle t-shirts, held my boyfriend’s hand on the bus. I had pictures of the two of us all over my desk, sent as Christmas cards, and adorning my mom’s book shelves. I was also pretty unhappy. In 1993 I wanted to escape from that life by entering the priesthood, because I felt I was being called to the ministry, but my priest told me my entry into the Seminary had been declined. It was “God’s Will” he said. God’s Will? Who knows God’s Will but God? I basically rebelled then, washing my hands of the Christian faith – and any faith, truth be told, that had to do with a monotheistic religion. And I went back to the gay lifestyle of dancing, drinking, smoking, club-going, and of course dating other men.
When I moved to California in 2003 it was for me to build myself up from the ground, to start anew. I stopped smoking, cleaned up my credit, bought my first band new car (at the age of 38, sad huh) and then my first house (at the age of 43…also sad, huh…). It was during this time that I realized that the gay lifestyle was one of self destruction and was not EVER going to lead to a fulfilling life. I realized I didn’t know what love really was, and that I probably never did… so I stopped the whole ‘scene’ but still identified as a gay man. In 2008 I met a man online who lived in Egypt. We chatted frequently and started an internet love affair thing that would only last a couple of months. He moved to the UAE in July and during Ramadan in 2008 he repented his lifestyle and kicked me out of his life. That was what FIRST got me interested in Islam. I wanted to see what was drawing this man to forsake “the way God created him”, and to “try to pretend” to be straight. I predicted right then that he would be miserable for the rest of his life. It was also during this same time period that I was trying to get back into the fold of the Catholic Church. My heart was empty of God and I could FEEL it. I had made arrangements with the priest of the church closest to my house to give him a confession that was 15 years in the making. But each week something came up. He had to go to the doctor, he had another appointment, he will call when he could make it, he would drop me an email. Please forgive me Daniel, he would say, and God bless. Well when my Egyptian vanished on me I got curious and started to read about Islam. I read about Ramadan…I bought an English translation of the Qur’an. I read a Sirah of the Prophet upon him be peace and I cried when I read how he was treated, I cried when I read about the angel Gabriel saying “READ!” and how Muhammad peace be upon him was terrified. I read of clear proofs and signs that are totally missing in the Christian faith. I joined a group that I will not name, a support group for Gay Muslim Men and we had some interesting discussions. A couple of these brothers suggested I go to the Masjid on a Friday and listen to the khutbah. To make a long story short, that lead me to convert to Islam in December of last year (ironic, isn’t it, that the gay lifestyle was what lead me to Islam?). I have, of course, since then removed myself from that group and any other like it. Including a group who's sole existance was to help men and women like me make the transition to healthy halal marriages.
At first I tried to reconcile myself the way I did as a Catholic. I thought “Hey I could be a good Muslim and a gay man…right? I mean…the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story is allegory and open for interpretation just like the brothers in the group say…right? Right?” Wrong. As I had mentioned, I had already started to distance myself from that community and I decided then and there I would never look back. I’ve gone through counseling with both mainstream and Muslim councilors and as time has gone by I’ve unraveled the threads and knots that had stuck me in that lifestyle. As of this moment I no longer feel comfortable identifying as gay. However, I am not quite sure if I’m “fully healed” yet. I do know that I want and crave a wife right now. One that will understand – and forgive- my past. I know many of you say “Oh but you shouldn’t disclose your past sins!” But this isn’t “a past sin”. This is an entire persona that was built over 25 years. I can’t deny it. When I get married and I bring my wife to meet my parents, there WILL be comments made and there WILL be a photo here and there that I would have to explain. So yes, I will be open and honest with her. And I pray to Allah that she accepts that. However, the Muslim counselor I spoke to said that even though marriage is half my deen, if I chose instead to live a celibate life I would get a blessing for that, too.
Since that fateful December 5th I have changed so much. People – including my family – recognize the peace in me and the contentment. Some folks who haven’t me in a while don’t understand – remember I said I was FULLY out as gay, even to my coworkers and family – and sometimes make inappropriate jokes and I will gently explain to them in private that I am no longer the same person. I’ve had to sever people out of my life, people I’ve known for years and years, because they couldn’t accept the fact that I am now a Muslim and no longer a member of the gay community.
In addition to giving up pork (and I loved pork!), giving up music, giving up alcohol, learning to fast, praying 5 times a day, being verbally attacked because of my religion, and even gave my roommates their eviction notice because our lives are no longer compatible, thus removing their rent as a supplemental income... sometimes it feels that I am STILL being tested. I have an almost 100 mile commute each way – Allah’s answer to me begging for a job closer to home was for Him to move my job 20 miles further south. Today as I sat in traffic after driving an hour and a half and realized that I was once again going to be late for work I started to despair and wonder “Why does Allah test me so harshly? I’ve GIVEN UP everything that was haram!” I feel that the blessings I have- my house and car, for example – I am in jeopardy of losing because I am paying too much in gas that as of right now my payment for both is late for August. I gave up all my friends and have met no new ones because the Ummah in my city wants to be my brothers in Islam but not necessarily be my friends.
I don’t know what else I can give up. I’m already a “bare bones” version of who I once was. I am not perfect, though I strive to be. They kept telling me that Allah “makes it easy” so I’m still waiting for that to come true! They say He doesn’t give more than a soul can bear but sometimes I think those that say that are the ones who were never REALLY challenged.
Anyway…my brothers and sisters, if you’ve made it this far please I ask that you make dua for me, that I can continue on the straight path and that I have the strength to survive the challenges and tests that Allah subhana wa ta’ala throws at me.
And if I’ve offended anyone, I ask your forgiveness. That was not my intent, and was done by my ignorance only.
Allah bless.
Danyal (Daniel)
I need to say right now that this post may be controversial to some, and for that I apologize profusely but I’m being drawn to talk, and I need to talk to my brothers and sisters, not to coworkers or friends who “know me” and who say they understand but they really don’t. And I’m pretty certain none of you here, as well-meaning as you may be, can fully understand either. But please – forgive me if I offend anyone, as that is not my intent.
Here goes (feel free to run now!)
I am a 44 year old brother who like most Americans is of mixed heritage. In 1984 when I was 19 years old I came out of the closet as gay. I was an “in your face” homosexual, I attended parades, wore pink triangle t-shirts, held my boyfriend’s hand on the bus. I had pictures of the two of us all over my desk, sent as Christmas cards, and adorning my mom’s book shelves. I was also pretty unhappy. In 1993 I wanted to escape from that life by entering the priesthood, because I felt I was being called to the ministry, but my priest told me my entry into the Seminary had been declined. It was “God’s Will” he said. God’s Will? Who knows God’s Will but God? I basically rebelled then, washing my hands of the Christian faith – and any faith, truth be told, that had to do with a monotheistic religion. And I went back to the gay lifestyle of dancing, drinking, smoking, club-going, and of course dating other men.
When I moved to California in 2003 it was for me to build myself up from the ground, to start anew. I stopped smoking, cleaned up my credit, bought my first band new car (at the age of 38, sad huh) and then my first house (at the age of 43…also sad, huh…). It was during this time that I realized that the gay lifestyle was one of self destruction and was not EVER going to lead to a fulfilling life. I realized I didn’t know what love really was, and that I probably never did… so I stopped the whole ‘scene’ but still identified as a gay man. In 2008 I met a man online who lived in Egypt. We chatted frequently and started an internet love affair thing that would only last a couple of months. He moved to the UAE in July and during Ramadan in 2008 he repented his lifestyle and kicked me out of his life. That was what FIRST got me interested in Islam. I wanted to see what was drawing this man to forsake “the way God created him”, and to “try to pretend” to be straight. I predicted right then that he would be miserable for the rest of his life. It was also during this same time period that I was trying to get back into the fold of the Catholic Church. My heart was empty of God and I could FEEL it. I had made arrangements with the priest of the church closest to my house to give him a confession that was 15 years in the making. But each week something came up. He had to go to the doctor, he had another appointment, he will call when he could make it, he would drop me an email. Please forgive me Daniel, he would say, and God bless. Well when my Egyptian vanished on me I got curious and started to read about Islam. I read about Ramadan…I bought an English translation of the Qur’an. I read a Sirah of the Prophet upon him be peace and I cried when I read how he was treated, I cried when I read about the angel Gabriel saying “READ!” and how Muhammad peace be upon him was terrified. I read of clear proofs and signs that are totally missing in the Christian faith. I joined a group that I will not name, a support group for Gay Muslim Men and we had some interesting discussions. A couple of these brothers suggested I go to the Masjid on a Friday and listen to the khutbah. To make a long story short, that lead me to convert to Islam in December of last year (ironic, isn’t it, that the gay lifestyle was what lead me to Islam?). I have, of course, since then removed myself from that group and any other like it. Including a group who's sole existance was to help men and women like me make the transition to healthy halal marriages.
At first I tried to reconcile myself the way I did as a Catholic. I thought “Hey I could be a good Muslim and a gay man…right? I mean…the whole Sodom and Gomorrah story is allegory and open for interpretation just like the brothers in the group say…right? Right?” Wrong. As I had mentioned, I had already started to distance myself from that community and I decided then and there I would never look back. I’ve gone through counseling with both mainstream and Muslim councilors and as time has gone by I’ve unraveled the threads and knots that had stuck me in that lifestyle. As of this moment I no longer feel comfortable identifying as gay. However, I am not quite sure if I’m “fully healed” yet. I do know that I want and crave a wife right now. One that will understand – and forgive- my past. I know many of you say “Oh but you shouldn’t disclose your past sins!” But this isn’t “a past sin”. This is an entire persona that was built over 25 years. I can’t deny it. When I get married and I bring my wife to meet my parents, there WILL be comments made and there WILL be a photo here and there that I would have to explain. So yes, I will be open and honest with her. And I pray to Allah that she accepts that. However, the Muslim counselor I spoke to said that even though marriage is half my deen, if I chose instead to live a celibate life I would get a blessing for that, too.
Since that fateful December 5th I have changed so much. People – including my family – recognize the peace in me and the contentment. Some folks who haven’t me in a while don’t understand – remember I said I was FULLY out as gay, even to my coworkers and family – and sometimes make inappropriate jokes and I will gently explain to them in private that I am no longer the same person. I’ve had to sever people out of my life, people I’ve known for years and years, because they couldn’t accept the fact that I am now a Muslim and no longer a member of the gay community.
In addition to giving up pork (and I loved pork!), giving up music, giving up alcohol, learning to fast, praying 5 times a day, being verbally attacked because of my religion, and even gave my roommates their eviction notice because our lives are no longer compatible, thus removing their rent as a supplemental income... sometimes it feels that I am STILL being tested. I have an almost 100 mile commute each way – Allah’s answer to me begging for a job closer to home was for Him to move my job 20 miles further south. Today as I sat in traffic after driving an hour and a half and realized that I was once again going to be late for work I started to despair and wonder “Why does Allah test me so harshly? I’ve GIVEN UP everything that was haram!” I feel that the blessings I have- my house and car, for example – I am in jeopardy of losing because I am paying too much in gas that as of right now my payment for both is late for August. I gave up all my friends and have met no new ones because the Ummah in my city wants to be my brothers in Islam but not necessarily be my friends.
I don’t know what else I can give up. I’m already a “bare bones” version of who I once was. I am not perfect, though I strive to be. They kept telling me that Allah “makes it easy” so I’m still waiting for that to come true! They say He doesn’t give more than a soul can bear but sometimes I think those that say that are the ones who were never REALLY challenged.
Anyway…my brothers and sisters, if you’ve made it this far please I ask that you make dua for me, that I can continue on the straight path and that I have the strength to survive the challenges and tests that Allah subhana wa ta’ala throws at me.
And if I’ve offended anyone, I ask your forgiveness. That was not my intent, and was done by my ignorance only.
Allah bless.
Danyal (Daniel)